Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Awkward In Between


Today I had some time to kill before I met someone for dinner so I decided to pop into some stores and check out what is happening in terms of spring fashion trends.  It's weird because I've essentially shrunk out of the "big girl" stores where I previously shopped.

Previously, I had my regular stores where I knew I liked their fashions and that I felt fit me well.  Now I'm pretty much too small for them (I'm their smallest size) and I'm kind of at a loss on where to shop for clothes!  I'm proud of myself for no longer having to shop in the plus size section, but I'm currently a size 16 (and in another couple of months or so, hopefully a 14.)  While it's essentially too small for plus size, it's still considered big by "normal people store" standards.  There are a lot of stores that don't sell those sizes, and the ones that I know of that do, I don't particularly like their clothes (or they don't sell pants long enough). 

So I'm stuck in this weird in between stage.  I'm basically wearing my clothes for as long as I can before they start to just look silly (i.e. droopy diaper ass).  Then, when I'm buying new clothes I'm just sticking with the standards.  T-shirts and jeans, mostly from Old Navy.  I know that Old Navy is pretty cheap, but also pretty crappy quality so I don't feel bad that I'm shrinking out of them in the course of a couple of months.  Most of the time, that's how long they last for normal people!  It's just weird, because I used to pride myself on my wardrobe and looking good despite my size, and now I feel like I am just throwing on what looks the least ridiculous.

I'll admit it.  I look good.
The interesting thing?  Despite my clothes not always looking as good as I want, I still feel better about my appearance than I EVER have before when I did have the nice clothes.  Its just yet another way that I can prove how much I've grown over the course of the past seven months mentally.  I'm now looking at myself in the mirror saying, "Clothes are way too big, but I look really pretty!"  As my friends can attest, I could NEVER call myself pretty before!  It almost like the word wasn't my vocabulary!  I would hate looking in the mirror before, because I would hate to see how large I became.  Now?  I LOVE looking in the mirror, and even though that makes me sound like a complete and utter narcissist, I don't care!  I like seeing how I look now.  And if I love it now?  I can't even imagine how much better its going to be when I actually hit my goal weight!

I think part of the reason I look in the mirror so frequently now, is because a part of my mind still believes that it didn't really happen.  That the past seven months has actually been a big ol' joke and that I'm still the depressed overweight girl that I was before.  It's like I have to look in the mirror to make sure its still true.  I mean, I've basically become a whole new person (both mentally and physically) in this relatively short amount of time.  I think its probably pretty normal for me to still question the reality of it all.  I mean, I ran 6 miles yesterday.  6 miles!  7 months ago that was not even in my realm of thinking.  I'm doing things I never imagined would have ever been in my vocabulary.

And you know what?  I like the fact that I surprised myself.  Go me.

1 comment:

  1. This is such a wonderful post - I definitely cried a little while reading it, because I can relate to all of it ... the weird shopping purgatory ... shopping at Old Navy because it's fine for the next three months until I need new everything again ... and the disbelief that what is happening, is happening. It's surprisingly tough - even though the changes are for the better, they're still changes and a new life to adapt to. And I too worry sometimes about coming off as narcissistic, but I try and see it more as making up for lost time - I spent years avoiding mirrors, now I deserve to occasionally check out the results of all my hard work! ♥ It's very comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels this way! Keep up the great work!