Saturday, May 26, 2012

Hiatus from Weigh Ins

After the craptastic couple of weeks that I've had, I have decided to take a break from one thing...

My scale.

As I work diligently to get back on track, I want to take some of the pressure off myself in anyway I can.  I want to focus on my eating and my exercise, not the number on the scale.  Because at the end of my month long hiatus, if I have maintained the focus that I hope to regain, my scale will show it.  But I don't want to chance discouraging myself in the midst of my "reset" period.

Because that's what I'm doing.  I'm hitting "reset."  I'm already feeling better.  I'm making decisions.  I'm making good decisions.

I am trying to remember that it was hard work that got me here and it was not short process.  I'm trying to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.  That I've just taken a slight detour and now I'm getting back into the race.  

I'm hoping this pays off.  Expect my next weigh in at the end of June.  I have some challenges that face me before that weigh in, especially my birthday.  I need to remember to not overindulge simply because some people deem it acceptable.  I need to keep my eye on the prize, and that's not found in birthday cake or the bottom of a martini/wine glass.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

A break that just wasn't

After my struggles the last couple of weeks I decided to heed some people's advice and take a bit of a diet break.

I had been exercising and tracking my calories pretty diligently, but I wasn't seeing effective results.  I was see-sawing between the same 10 pounds and it was slowly driving me out of my mind.  People thought that maybe my body had become used to the diet and that I should take a break, both dietary and mentally from it all and get back on track once I was refreshed.

Known for their wacky flavors
So, at the beginning of this week I took this advice.  I decided I wasn't going to really track my calories.  I would still work out and stay with my C210K (because if I'm going to run a half marathon next year, I need to stay on track with my running) but I figured I could keep myself relatively in check dietary wise.

Boy, was I wrong.

This break, even just a few days long, proved that I am most certainly not in a healthy enough place mentally to where I don't need to track what I eat.  What did I do?  Well, I'm in Portland this week, so one of the first places I visited was the infamous Voodoo Donuts.  Had I been tracking, I still would have had one, but I would have accounted for it and made adjustments to the rest of my day.  Nope, instead I ate one right after buying it and bought another for later.  Now, for those who haven't had the privilege of partaking of a Voodoo donuts, they are about as big as your head.  Two of these gigantic donuts in the course of one day?  Yup, that's your entire day's worth of calories, at least.

The next day at the theater it was someone's birthday, so of course there was a cake.  Again, I completely over indulged.

Captain Crunch doughnut
I don't know what the scale says officially yet (because I've been good and have hidden it away rather than keeping it in my hotel room) however, I'm scared.  I know that I'm probably tipping the scales at some ungodly number.  Truth be told, I'm not going to weigh myself this week.  I don't need to discourage myself any more than I already am.

I had such great goals for myself.  I wanted to be at my goal weight by my birthday next month.  Now, I'm even further away from it.  I'm not proud of myself anymore.  I don't see the good, I only see the bad.  I also find myself comparing my journey to other people's journeys and wondering why they are so much more successful than I am.  These people who have lost 100 pounds and then some.  They were able to get over their plateau, so why can't I?  What am I doing wrong?  I know that I shouldn't be comparing, but I just can't help it.

I know, you are probably sick and tired of reading these insanely negative posts, but its the best place for me to get out how I feel about the whole thing.

So, I'm officially done with this "break."  I can't handle it.  I obviously don't have the self control for it.  So, once again (I know, I've said this time and time again... just bear with me.) I'm going back to what worked for me in the first place.  I'm going to limit my calorie intake according to what MyFitnesspal says that I should be eating.  I'm going to continue to run.  I'm going to cross train/weight train on the days in between my runs and give myself two rest days.   I'm going to keep track of how many calories I've burned according to my heart rate monitor.  I'm going to eat back my calories (to a certain degree) that I've burned.

This was the method to my madness before.  I was okay with losing 1-2 pounds per week before, so why am I disappointed in seeing those numbers now?  Why do I think losing 1 pound a week is bad?

I guess I'm impatient.  This has been my life for over a year and a half now.  I want to get to my goal weight, or at least be able to see it in the distance.

I need it.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Weigh In: 5/19/12

Last week:     248.0
This week:     244.9

Lost:                  3.1

I actually had lied in my previous post this week.  I didn't just balloon up to 246 (that was what I weighed when I posted that) I had ballooned up to 248 last Saturday.  6 pound gain in a week.  Ugh.  That's why I was in such a bad place this week.  I was so disappointed in myself and I didn't completely understand why.

I'm still not in a great place mood wise in regards to everything.  I've been tracking food, exercising, etc.

I actually took two days in a row off from exercise this week because I had gone six days straight and I felt my body needed the extra time to recover.  That second day I felt so slovenly.  I just felt gross because in my head I felt I should have been working out to try and fix the weight gain.  Even though my body did need the recuperation, it was almost as though I was punishing myself for the massive weight gain, and punishing it with exercise.

This is not healthy.

So, here is what I'm thinking...

I've actually upped my caloric intake.  I took some people's advice about the possibility that maybe my calorie count was too low and so I upped it a bit.  I also think that I'm going to be switching up my caloric intake every week or so.  I'm hoping that this will shake up my metabolism so that it never really knows what the hell is going on.  We'll see how this experiment works.

I'm still on my C210K program and its going well.  With the exception of an occasional bad run, I still am enthusiastic about the whole thing.  I am now getting impatient though and want to be running longer distances.  I know I need to wait though and stick with the program.  If I stick with this one, maybe I'll be able to run faster as compared to when I first started running.  That time I gave up on the C25K because I wanted to run for longer stretches but yet I was slow as molasses.  We'll see if this theory pans out.  I'm hoping it does.

Anyway, that's it for my rambling right now.  I'm in Seattle this week.  I've never been here before and I absolutely adore it.  Definitely a city I could see myself settling down in if I ever decide to leave NYC.

Anyway, have a good day everyone!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Up and Down and Round and Round

I'm getting really frustrated.

For the past 7-8 months I've been at a complete stand still.  My weight has fluctuated within the same ten pound range and I can't seem to get below 238.

This week, I've ballooned back up to 246 and I don't really know why.  I'm working out about 5 days a week, my eating has been a little worse, but most definitely not enough to warrant as big of a weight gain as I experienced, and it just seems like no matter what I do I can't make the scale move.

I'm getting really frustrated with the whole situation and really starting to think that I won't ever get to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I have a goal and I really want to reach it, but I just don't know if I will.  I'm almost back to where I was mentally at the beginning of this whole thing.  When I look at pictures of myself, I'm disgusted.  I think I look awful and all I can see is a fat person who needs to lose weight.  I'm no longer proud of the weight I've lost.

I've actually caught myself thinking "to hell with it, I'll just quit and gain it all back..."

I need to get out of this, but nothing I am doing seems to be working.


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Official Weigh Ins Begin again! Starting Today.

It's been a while since I officially posted a weigh in.  After I got back from Germany, I weighed myself and was around 245.  It was pretty much what I had weighed before I left, so I was satisfied without having gained any weight over my vacation.  However, cut to last Saturday, I weighed myself again.  What did I see?


I had gained two pounds since getting back to work on the tour!  I had barely exercised, and I wasn't really watching what I was eating.  So, it kicked me in the butt.  Since then, I've worked out 4 days in a row, and have tracked every single thing I've eaten for the past 5 days.  I'm quite pleased with the results.  I bring you todays' official weigh in:

Last weigh in 4/28/12:                    247.8
Current weigh in 5/5/12:                 242.1

Weight lost this week:                        5.7

I'm sure a lot of that was water weight from the crap that I had been eating, but it feels good to see such a huge change in a week.  I just need to remember not to expect such huge changes every week and to be happy even when I see a pound, or so lost.  I'm back in the swing of things.  I know I've said this before, but it really feels different this time.

I'm running again, and tracking my food.  It's what got the weight off the first time, and it's going to get the last of it off.

Here's to a healthier me!