Thursday, January 13, 2011
It's one of the seven deadly sins, and its one that I've found myself guilty of A LOT lately.
As part of my process of get healthier, I've been reading blogs by other people who are going through, or have gone through a process similar to mine (some of these links can be found on the left side of this page). People who have lost 50, 75, 100 or more pounds. During my current frustrations of plateau-dom, I find myself being envious of these people more and more each day. Unlike them, I sit here and see my weight hover at the same number its been (with the exception of the incorrect New Year's weigh in) for the past month or so.
I understand that for those who have lost massive amounts of weight, it is not a sprint race. It's a marathon. My rational brain understands, but given that I'm in the middle of a plateau and frustrated out of my mind, I'm obvious not rational at the moment.
I find myself watching The Biggest Loser and getting angry at the people on the screen who are crying because they ONLY lost 6 pounds this week. 6 POUNDS!!! I have never lost 6 pounds in a week! And they are crying because its not enough. Granted, I know that they are working out 7 days a week, 8 hours a day and there is no way in hell that I could maintain that schedule on my own. But, again its not rational to think that I should be on the same level as them, but alas I'm comparing my journey to everyone else's at the moment.
Even though I know I'm not the only one who has hit a plateau, I feel like it. (I thought the song in the video fits kind of perfectly...) Awful thoughts are going through my head like, "Am I just doomed to stay at this weight for the rest of my life?"
Brace yourselves but I'm actually going to admit my starting weight...
When I started this journey I was at my heaviest weight of 310 pounds. 310! I was over 300 for over a year and even though it scared the crap out of me, I did nothing about it. I'm back in the 200s at least, but I'm sitting pretty at around the 270 mark. If I were to go by what the BMI charts say is my healthy weight, I still have 100 pounds left to lose. That's right, I'm "normal" at 170. (Keep in mind I'm 6'2"...) But my "normal" weight is not what I'm shooting for. I'm hoping to hit the 200 mark. That's my secret goal that I've had in my head and haven't even shared with my closest of friends or my family. Now you see why I'm not really comfortable with the fact that my weight loss has inexplicably stalled...
I guess what I just don't understand is why? Why, if I still have so much weight left to lose, have I hit this roadblock? I feel like it shouldn't be this hard yet. It's too early for me to feel like its hopeless. Like I am pushing a boulder up a never ending hill. I know that there are so many answers that people can give me: I'm gaining muscle, my metabolism has gone into shock and saving calories instead of burning, yada, yada, yada...
But my irrational brain doesn't really want to hear any of that! I know my friends are just trying to make me feel better and I thank them for that. But really what I want is a time machine to jump ahead a year and see myself. I guess because I can't even fathom how I will eventually look with all the weight gone I feel like it isn't real or isn't attainable. I'm a "seeing is believing" kind of person. If something is tangible, then I will believe it to be true. Right now my weight loss goal of 200 isn't tangible. It's an idea with no evidence or proof.
So, I guess for now I just need to get over myself. Even if I never lose another pound, I need to look at what I have accomplished. My goal was to get healthier, and no one can deny that I've achieved that goal.
But please scale????? Pretty please with sugar free syrup on top? Please be my friend again? I would really like to see what the number 250 looks like in the near future??? I'll be your best friend?