Monday, May 30, 2011

Sent Coursing Back to Square One

Throughout the course of my "getting healthy journey" there have been a few setbacks.  Most of them have been weight loss related, but I have also had a few that send me coursing back to the same horrible mindset that I was in last summer.

Just a reminder, last summer was my "rock bottom."  I was staying in bed all day, every day because I was severely depressed about life in general.  My weight, my self esteem, basically everything in my life was spiraling recklessly out of control.  I would look at myself in the mirror with disgust.  I hated myself so I couldn't fathom how other people could possibly like me, or even want to be around me at all.

Once I finally kicked my butt into gear and the weight dropped off, my self esteem and feelings of self worth starting to soar.  I have felt more confident than I ever have in my life.

So, why is it that after all of my hard work that when someone slights me, I immediately feel like I did last summer?

Basically today I had thought that I was included in someone's Memorial Day plans.  Going to the beach on Memorial Day?  A chance to actually feel confident in a swimsuit?  Sure!  Sign me up!  Only, I come to find out this morning that I was actually forgotten about and had been excluded.  I didn't find out I had been left out until I contacted this person and they told me they had already left.

Aside from being extremely pissed off (I'm still pissed) I resorted back to those same feelings of self loathing.  In my head I just kept thinking "of course they don't want to spend time with you Maia...  You are so easily forgettable Maia.  No one wants you Maia."

Thankfully those thoughts didn't last nearly as long as they used to (nor were they accompanied by the binge eating that would have been present last summer) and I realized that it wasn't me, but in actuality was just the insensitive move of the other person.  But I hate that my head immediately went to those thoughts.  I went immediately back to square one.  It just goes to show that I'm definitely not at the end of my journey when it comes to my feelings of inadequacy.  Just like I have a ways to go with my weight loss, I also have a ways to go when it comes to my mental health as well.

I guess we need these little setbacks on this difficult journey so that we can be reminded of how far we have indeed come, and yet how much work we still have to do.  I feel like I need to reiterate Stuart Smalley's daily affirmation in the mirror.  Maybe it will help.  Because after all, I'm...

(Everybody join in!)



  1. Every time I feel like I am pushed back to square one, I try and think about all I have accomplished, all the positive progress I have made. There will be occasional setbacks on this journey - but nothing can revert you completely back to the way things used to be. Today, for example, I was feeling defeated because I was feeling dehydrated and couldn't finish my long run in the intense heat - then I remembered last summer when I wouldn't go downstairs and get the mail out of the mailbox because I thought it was too hot out.

  2. You went back to square one. Fair enough. But you didn't stay there. You were able to reflect upon it, figure out it wasn't your fault, and hopefully square one will see much less of you this time than last time. Perhaps next time it happens, you'll only go back to square two. And maybe the time after that, back to square three.

    (Oh, and I'm writing this down for myself when i need to be reminded of it when it happens to me again, as I'm sure it will!) ;o)