A break that just wasn't

After my struggles the last couple of weeks I decided to heed some people's advice and take a bit of a diet break.

I had been exercising and tracking my calories pretty diligently, but I wasn't seeing effective results.  I was see-sawing between the same 10 pounds and it was slowly driving me out of my mind.  People thought that maybe my body had become used to the diet and that I should take a break, both dietary and mentally from it all and get back on track once I was refreshed.

Known for their wacky flavors

So, at the beginning of this week I took this advice.  I decided I wasn't going to really track my calories.  I would still work out and stay with my C210K (because if I'm going to run a half marathon next year, I need to stay on track with my running) but I figured I could keep myself relatively in check dietary wise.

Boy, was I wrong.

This break, even just a few days long, proved that I am most certainly not in a healthy enough place mentally to where I don't need to track what I eat.  What did I do?  Well, I'm in Portland this week, so one of the first places I visited was the infamous Voodoo Donuts.  Had I been tracking, I still would have had one, but I would have accounted for it and made adjustments to the rest of my day.  Nope, instead I ate one right after buying it and bought another for later.  Now, for those who haven't had the privilege of partaking of a Voodoo donuts, they are about as big as your head.  Two of these gigantic donuts in the course of one day?  Yup, that's your entire day's worth of calories, at least.

The next day at the theater it was someone's birthday, so of course there was a cake.  Again, I completely over indulged.

Captain Crunch doughnut

I don't know what the scale says officially yet (because I've been good and have hidden it away rather than keeping it in my hotel room) however, I'm scared.  I know that I'm probably tipping the scales at some ungodly number.  Truth be told, I'm not going to weigh myself this week.  I don't need to discourage myself any more than I already am.

I had such great goals for myself.  I wanted to be at my goal weight by my birthday next month.  Now, I'm even further away from it.  I'm not proud of myself anymore.  I don't see the good, I only see the bad.  I also find myself comparing my journey to other people's journeys and wondering why they are so much more successful than I am.  These people who have lost 100 pounds and then some.  They were able to get over their plateau, so why can't I?  What am I doing wrong?  I know that I shouldn't be comparing, but I just can't help it.

I know, you are probably sick and tired of reading these insanely negative posts, but its the best place for me to get out how I feel about the whole thing.

So, I'm officially done with this "break."  I can't handle it.  I obviously don't have the self control for it.  So, once again (I know, I've said this time and time again... just bear with me.) I'm going back to what worked for me in the first place.  I'm going to limit my calorie intake according to what MyFitnesspal says that I should be eating.  I'm going to continue to run.  I'm going to cross train/weight train on the days in between my runs and give myself two rest days.   I'm going to keep track of how many calories I've burned according to my heart rate monitor.  I'm going to eat back my calories (to a certain degree) that I've burned.

This was the method to my madness before.  I was okay with losing 1-2 pounds per week before, so why am I disappointed in seeing those numbers now?  Why do I think losing 1 pound a week is bad?

I guess I'm impatient.  This has been my life for over a year and a half now.  I want to get to my goal weight, or at least be able to see it in the distance.

I need it.