A New Beginning

Tonight I went for my first run since this past Sunday's mind altering and disastrous 10K.  I think I am still recuperating both mentally and physically because during this run I felt like I did back in the early days of running.  I couldn't find my stride, my legs were burning, I had to stop and walk a few times...

My calves have felt tight all week long no matter how much I've stretched and soaked in Epsom salts.  I purposefully went at a slow pace tonight (didn't even take my heart rate monitor/stop watch) but it still wasn't enough.  So, there was this going on with my body...

But with my head, I was struggling the most.  All I could think about was this past Sunday.  Thinking about how much I struggled and all the same feelings came flooding back.  The sense of failure and overwhelming fatigue.

It just reminded me that I absolutely need to take a break from running.  I joined the gym this past week and I plan on going on Saturday morning.  I have to have some extra time to get registered, etc at the gym, so Saturday is the first time I can go.  I never thought I would ever be looking forward to getting on an exercise bike, but I am!  I am actually INCREDIBLY excited about starting to cross train!  After this Saturday I can then go to any of my gym locations and the one right by work has a pool.  Now THAT'S what I'm looking forward to the most!  I'm ordering a new swimsuit as we speak (have to order online because of my long torso) and I am counting down the days until I can get in the water.  I know its going to be a struggle, but its one I'm eagerly awaiting.  Time to challenge my body in new ways.  Time to work the muscles that have been neglected.

And now, it's time for sleep.

Night y'all!

No Weigh-In 4/13/11

As part of my "breather" I decided to not officially weigh in.

Um, probably expect a gain next week.  Just saying...

Joined a gym finally!  Excited to report once I have my first visit!

That's all for today.  Sorry for the short post.  Gotta get back to work!

I hit the wall...hard.

This morning was one of the worst mornings I've ever had.  This morning I got up at dawn, and  ran the Scotland 10K in Central Park.  Last week, having looked up the route ahead of time, I decided to run the course and see how I did.  That run wasn't so great either, but at least I knew I could do the distance and what the course had in store for me: LOTS OF HILLS!

This morning started off okay, I ate and made sure to drink lots of water before I left so that I would be hydrated.  The big problem that I was concerned about was my legs were a bit fatigued from my run the day before.  I had a GREAT 4 mile run on Saturday, but I pushed myself hard and my legs were feeling it.

As I stood in my starting corral, I knew that I was going to have to make a bathroom break somewhere along the course, which annoyed me.  I didn't want to ruin my pace because of my bladder, but oh well, nature's gonna do what it has to do.

The race began and I immediately felt it in my legs.  But, I thought that I would just purposefully take it at a slower pace and I would be fine.  Then, it felt like every single person in the race passed me.  I mean, I know I'm slow but it still irks me to realize that I am one of the slowest in the entire race.  It really kind of does a number on your self esteem...  I immediately forget how hard I've worked and how far I've come, I just think about how much further I still have to go.  Not a great thing to be thinking in the first mile of a race..

Between miles 2 and 3 were the treacherous hills of the north end of Central Park.  I know these hills well and knew I could take them.  The need for a bathroom was becoming desperate, and finally stopped.  Unfortunately, the port-a-potty was at the bottom of the first big hill and so I had no momentum going into the next big one.  From mile 3 onward I was fighting against the wall.  I had to walk at the top of that second big hill, and then again by the Reservoir.  Every single slight hill became agony for me.  My legs were burning, I was panting as though I was trying to catch my last breath and all I could think about was how I was never going to be able to complete a half marathon if I couldn't even finish a 10K.

I wish I could recall all of the negative thoughts that went through my head from miles 3-6, but I can't.  There are too many to count.  As I jogged towards the finish line (jogged is a very loose term...) I started to cry.  I had never felt so defeated in my life.  For the first time ever, the volunteers actually didn't annoy me as they told me "You can do it!  You're almost there!"  I actually needed their positivity at the moment, because it was the only positive things going through my head. 

As I crossed the finish line, I burst into heaving sobs.  I was so defeated both physically and emotionally.  Why did I set such a lofty goal for myself?  Why on earth did I think I could run a half marathon?  I can't do this...  My decision that I made during the race was that I wasn't going to run the Brooklyn Half Marathon.

Now that I am several hours after the race, this is a decision that I am going to stick with.  Training has been extremely difficult (to say the least!) to fit in because of the long hours I'm currently having to put in at work, and will continue to have to put in until we open.  I'm exhausted all of the time, and now that it will just get more and more difficult as the distances increase.  I'm not afraid of a challenge, but I also need to be realistic.  I still want to attempt a half marathon, but I don't think this is the one for me.  There is still the Queens, Staten Island and Bronx Halfs coming up this year.   I can try for one of those, when I actually have the time to train for them.

Of course I'm not going to give up on my weight loss journey, because that would be silly!  I'm just not going to make it so running heavy.  I'm joining a gym next weekend and I'm FINALLY going to start incorporating swimming and biking into my routine.  I'm still going to run, but it might be once a week, rather than the four days my training program currently requires.  My brain needs a break from it, and my body will thank me for the shake up to my work out routine.

I'm also not going to register for the Walt Disney World Marathon, however today I AM going to register for the Walt Disney World Half Marathon, which is run the same weekend.  I've decided that I don't actually want to run a full marathon, or at least I don't right now.  Maybe in a few years when I've got a few half marathons under my belt, but for now a half marathon is a lofty enough goal.

So, you see... While it was an INCREDIBLY bad morning, I've turned it into a positive.  I'm not quitting, I'm postponing.  I'm also going to keep working hard, getting healthier and seeing those pounds melt off and the inches (that I need to start measuring!) decrease. 

I also need to remember how incredibly far I have indeed come...  A year ago, I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, now I'm flying up and down them.  A year ago, I was 60 pounds heavier, and two sizes bigger.  A year ago, I could barely walk a mile and now I can run 6.  A year ago, I couldn't even look in the mirror without thinking how ugly and fat I was, now I can't walk by a mirror or a piece of reflective glass without looking at myself in it and thinking "wow, I look good!"

I've come so far in such a relatively short amount of time.  I know this.  I just also know what my body and mind are in need of, and right now... They need a breather.

Long and winding stairs

Tonight at work, it was payday.  Which means running all over backstage at the theater trying to find the people before it gets too close to show time. 

The actors' dressing rooms are up this long, circling staircase (last rooms are on the fourth floor) and then wardrobe, hair and the musicians are in the basement.  As the evening started, I took my time walking around trying to find everyone but as time ticked away and I still had a stack of checks in my hands, my pace picked up and pretty soon I was flying up and down those stairs looking for everyone.   By the time the curtain rose, I had finally managed to find everyone and I realized something...

I wasn't even breathing heavy.

Nine months ago I would have been in agony had this been required of me.  I would barely have been able to make it to the top of the stairs once with stopping and gasping for breath.  Now, it was just a normal day in my life. 

It was a nice non-scale victory.  Just one of those little things in life that most people don't really think is that difficult and therefore don't realize its significance.  I hope that as I maintain my weight I am still reminded of these little victories from time to time.  I don't ever want to get to the point where I take these things for granted.

Weigh In Wednesday: 4/6/11

Starting Weight: 310.0
Last Week Weight: 253.6
Current Weight: 251.2
Loss: 2.4
Total Loss: 58.8

I'm not going to lie, I'm shocked.  I really expected to not lose anything, or worst case scenario, see a slight gain.  I'll take it, not complaining!  Still do need to get better about logging my calories again and making sure I keep up with the running.  Also (and I've said this so many times before...) I need to really start cross training and strength training.  There are definitely parts of my body that running just neglects (I'm looking at you arms and stomach!) and I want them to look as good as my legs do.

Anyway, here's to hitting 250 next week!!

Oy

Today was a very stressful and busy day at work.  Like one of those days where you can't keep all of the things on your to-do list straight and your brain starts to hurt.  We are gearing up for our Opening Night at the end of this month and with that comes increased levels of stress.  As I was leaving the office tonight (because my eyes had started to go crossed and my stomach began to eat itself) I looked up and saw the infamous golden arches across the street.  At that moment, they were like a gift from heaven.  Nothing could stop my feet from crossing the street and ordering my Chicken McNuggets with Sweet N' Sour sauce.

As I wipe my hands on a napkin and slurp down my Diet Coke I, of course, start to ponder whether or not it was worth it.  Did it taste good?  Um, yes. Was it worth the number of calories?  Most likely not.  But do I care at this moment?  Not really.  Why?  Because this is a life long journey, and its just silly for me to think that I am never going to eat McDonald's again.  It's been quite a long time since I've had anything from there and considering how much I used to eat there, that's a huge improvement.  The difference is that now I know that I can have my french fries and walk away.  Before it would just feed the need for more.  I probably should feel worse about having caved, but I just don't.  

 Tomorrow is my weigh day and I have to say that I don't anticipate a big loss, if a loss at all.  I've been slacking in my water intake, I've been eating more salty things (it's a certain time of the month where salty cravings happen, if you catch my drift) and so I'm most likely retaining some water.  Besides that, I've been eating more than I should.  Not necessarily bad things, but just too much of the healthy stuff.  Calories are still calories, no matter their form!  When I looked at my food diary for this past week I realized that had missed logging in three days of food.  I can't afford for that to happen!  I need to get back into the habit of logging in every thing that I eat.  Also, I've lowered my calories back down.  I think by upping it to 1500, I was allowing myself to cheat more.  I did better with my diet when I was tighter in calories.  The one good thing of this past week is that I've been better about running.  I did my longest run to date this past weekend (6 miles) and got up early and did 4 miles this morning.  Tomorrow I'm slated for 2 more.  Running my first official 10K this weekend and I have to admit that I'm scared!

Even though I'm not anticipating a loss tomorrow, I do think I'm losing inches still.  I put on a shirt this morning that I bought about a month ago.  When I first bought it,  it was still a little tight.  I was a little uncomfortable to wear it because of the way it looked around my midsection.  Today, no problems at all!

Alright, I think I'm done rambling for tonight.  See you guys in the morning for the weigh in.

The Awkward In Between

  

Today I had some time to kill before I met someone for dinner so I decided to pop into some stores and check out what is happening in terms of spring fashion trends.  It's weird because I've essentially shrunk out of the "big girl" stores where I previously shopped.

Previously, I had my regular stores where I knew I liked their fashions and that I felt fit me well.  Now I'm pretty much too small for them (I'm their smallest size) and I'm kind of at a loss on where to shop for clothes!  I'm proud of myself for no longer having to shop in the plus size section, but I'm currently a size 16 (and in another couple of months or so, hopefully a 14.)  While it's essentially too small for plus size, it's still considered big by "normal people store" standards.  There are a lot of stores that don't sell those sizes, and the ones that I know of that do, I don't particularly like their clothes (or they don't sell pants long enough). 

So I'm stuck in this weird in between stage.  I'm basically wearing my clothes for as long as I can before they start to just look silly (i.e. droopy diaper ass).  Then, when I'm buying new clothes I'm just sticking with the standards.  T-shirts and jeans, mostly from Old Navy.  I know that Old Navy is pretty cheap, but also pretty crappy quality so I don't feel bad that I'm shrinking out of them in the course of a couple of months.  Most of the time, that's how long they last for normal people!  It's just weird, because I used to pride myself on my wardrobe and looking good despite my size, and now I feel like I am just throwing on what looks the least ridiculous.

I'll admit it.  I look good.

The interesting thing?  Despite my clothes not always looking as good as I want, I still feel better about my appearance than I EVER have before when I did have the nice clothes.  Its just yet another way that I can prove how much I've grown over the course of the past seven months mentally.  I'm now looking at myself in the mirror saying, "Clothes are way too big, but I look really pretty!"  As my friends can attest, I could NEVER call myself pretty before!  It almost like the word wasn't my vocabulary!  I would hate looking in the mirror before, because I would hate to see how large I became.  Now?  I LOVE looking in the mirror, and even though that makes me sound like a complete and utter narcissist, I don't care!  I like seeing how I look now.  And if I love it now?  I can't even imagine how much better its going to be when I actually hit my goal weight!

I think part of the reason I look in the mirror so frequently now, is because a part of my mind still believes that it didn't really happen.  That the past seven months has actually been a big ol' joke and that I'm still the depressed overweight girl that I was before.  It's like I have to look in the mirror to make sure its still true.  I mean, I've basically become a whole new person (both mentally and physically) in this relatively short amount of time.  I think its probably pretty normal for me to still question the reality of it all.  I mean, I ran 6 miles yesterday.  6 miles!  7 months ago that was not even in my realm of thinking.  I'm doing things I never imagined would have ever been in my vocabulary.

And you know what?  I like the fact that I surprised myself.  Go me.