Friday, January 11, 2013

You're Beautiful

This post is not my attempt to fish for compliments.  This is an honest look into my frame of mind.

For those who have read this blog since I started documenting my weight loss, you will know that this tends to be a recurring theme: my lack of self esteem when it comes to my looks.  Overall, I'm significantly better than I used to be, but I definitely still have my moments (especially when it comes to my height).

Well, recently, I've been having some of those moments.  Even though as I'm sitting here typing this I'm at my all-time lowest weight as an adult, I have been struggling with my looks.  I may have just fit into a size smaller jeans (Yup!  Sure did!), but I've frequently been struggling with doubts.

Recently, a few people have referred to my "beautiful face" or have called me "gorgeous" in their greeting ("Hey there, gorgeous...") and instead of taking these as compliments, I immediately question their sincerity.  I immediately think they are being sarcastic, and poking fun at me.  It makes me sad that I immediately go to this place and assume the worst of these amazing people because in the back of my head I do know they are sincere.  Also, I have actually gotten to a place where on a pretty regular basis I can look in the mirror and think I look pretty good, so why the instant negative thoughts?

I think the problem is when I hear it from other people.  I'm not someone who has a lot of experience hearing compliments from the opposite sex (hetero members of the opposite sex, I suppose I should clarify) and was made fun of quite a lot as a kid because of my appearance.  My height, my freckles, my horrible perms (in middle school), the way I dressed, my braces, my weight.  You name it, I've been made fun of for it.  I didn't date until college and then it was scarce.  Men have never gone out of their way to make me feel beautiful and so recently when I randomly started hearing it on a somewhat regular basis, I immediately reverted back to 13 year old Maia.

I wish I knew how to get 13 year old Maia out of my head and gone for good.  I'm so much better than I used to be.  I'm so much happier than I used to be, but that awkward teenager still rears her ugly (no pun intended) head.

I guess the fact that I can acknowledge this as lunacy instead of just accepting it as fact is a step in the right direction.  Maybe I'll eventually start to believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful.

Who knows, only time will tell I suppose.

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