Thursday, February 23, 2012

Failure: Or How to Feel Like One

Yesterday was supposed to have been a weigh day.  Honest truth is that I did weigh myself but I almost fainted when I saw the number.  Gut reaction?  Shame and disappointment in myself.  I knew I indulged while in Memphis much, much more than I said I would and definitely more than I should have.  The result?  A 7 pound gain in one week.  I've never gained that much in a week, or at least since I've been tracking.

Of course I want and need to get back on track, but it seems like everywhere I turn this week I'm hit with a reminder that I'm failing.  I'm currently 10 pounds heavier than where I was when I left for tour and to make matters worse I went for a "run" yesterday.

I've been wanting to try and get back into running for a couple of months now.  I essentially stopped last year after a rather disastrous 10k where I hit the "wall" and pretty much fell on my ass.  I was in the midst of training for a half marathon and at that point I just couldn't get my head back in the game.  I decided to take a break from running and then join a gym.  Truth be told, I didn't run much more for the rest of the year after that.  It's taken me this long, but I'm finally ready to get back into it.

Unfortunately the "run" yesterday reminded me of how much I've lost in a year.  I couldn't even make it a mile without stopping and needing to walk.  I couldn't even tell you what my pace was, but I'm pretty sure it was embarrassing.  For a 1.5 mile loop, I probably walking 1/4 of it.  I wanted to cry.  Last year I was running 5-6 miles and not thinking anything of it.  Yesterday, and today for that matter, I was making a mile my goal.

I just feel like I've let myself down.  I'm going to keep working hard to get my stamina back, and don't worry... I'm going to be smart about it.  I'm going to add length to my distances little by little.  I'm not going to think that I can run a half marathon in a month or anything...  My goal by the end of this week if to hopefully make it that full 1.5 mile loop without stopping.  We'll see if I make it.

I just am finding it hard to be proud of myself for anything at the moment.


  1. I gained 7 lbs this week as well- I was traveling and when I weighed in I cried. But, when I told my husband, he pointed out that there was probably a significant amount of water weight with it (I had a TON of salty food). Maybe that is what some of your 7 lbs weight gain is? Also, are you getting your period? I always have INSANE weight gains then.

    At the end of the day though, we can do this. We will get there and yes there are bumps but we will live and learn (at least I am telling myself that as I am traveling again this week!)

    1. Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately my weight gain was most definitely not water weight. :( I tried to convince myself that was all it was and I kept waiting for the numbers to go back down, but alas... they didn't. I gotta work for the good numbers and fact of the matter is, I haven't worked hard enough for it. Here's to hoping I change for the better!

      Thanks for reading!