Ring out the old and ring in the new!

Hi folks!

Well, I'm back from my little Christmas "vacation."  It wasn't really a vacation but my Mom and my older sister came into town to celebrate Christmas and we did take last weekend off to go up to New York for about 36 hours.  It was the first time my Mom saw the Rockefeller tree and the other well known NYC Christmas sights, so that was pretty cool.  I'm glad that I was able to help make this holiday special for her.

In terms of my weight loss journey this last week, I didn't exercise.  At all.  Unless you count walking around NYC and DC, but I don't count those.  My eating wasn't nearly as bad as far as holiday eating goes.  Sure, I indulged in a few treats here and there, but all in all it wasn't horrible.  I peeked at the scale this morning and I was pretty happy to see that I hadn't gained any weight, however I still felt gross from lack of exercise.

Since my Mom and sister are now I'm gone, I'm looking forward to getting back to my exercise routine and counting calories again.  (I know, I know... I'm crazy for looking forward to getting back to counting calories!)  I want to make sure that I'm back on the right track to ring in the new year!

Speaking of the new year, let's look back at 2012, shall we?

It was an interesting year dietary/weight loss wise.  I started off the year pretty good, but hit a really rough patch in the summer and by October, I was up to the highest weight I had been in a long time.  Over the course of the year, I gained 12 pounds, but thankfully I lost it again and am now (if my unofficial weigh in this morning is anything to go by) at the lowest weight I've sustained in my adult life.

2012 was the year when:

I ate my way through Memphis.

I started running again.

I visited 21 states.

I visited 5 countries outside the US.  Canada, Germany, Austria, Japan (twice!) and New Zealand.

I basically stopped blogging for three months (coincides with weight gain... go figure!)

I decided to run a half marathon (again.)

I decided to NOT run said half marathon.  (again.)

I hurt my back.

Oh yeah, and when I met this guy:

No, that's not a new boyfriend (I wish!)
That's Dan Stevens, of Downton Abbey fame.

All in all, I'm in a much better place than I was going into 2012.  My mind and body seem to finally be working together again.  Sure, I have my glitches here or there, but overall my scale is going in the right direction.  I feel like I can actually make weight loss goals and will achieve them, rather than just have them be pipe dreams.  I think I needed that time off to recharge everything.  My mind was the most tired, I think.  I needed to be ready to go back into this GUNG HO and give it my all.  I wasn't giving it my all before, and it showed.

So, this New Year's Eve, I'm not going to make any resolutions.  I'm pretty happy with the way my life is going at the minute and I did it all on my own.  I didn't wait for the right time, or because some holiday dictated I make life changes.  I did it because I wanted to and I needed to.  I'm pretty damn proud of that.

Anyway, here's to you my few faithful readers!  May your 2013 be filled with great joy and happiness!  Thank goodness the Mayans were wrong, huh?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Weigh-In Wednesday: 12/19/12 - The day late edition

Last Week's Weight:                                  239.0
This Week's Weight:                                  239.2

Weight Gained:                                                .2

Total Weight Lost:                                       70.8

Totally meant to post this yesterday, but alas, I got busy and before I knew it I had forgotten!

So essentially no loss or gain this week.  (I don't count .2 pounds as a gain...)  I'm okay with it really.  It's better than a gain, which is what I was expecting.  I've still be experiencing some back and now some hip pain so I'm looking forward to taking it easy for the next week or so over the Christmas holiday so that my body can recover.  I look forward to not having to take Advil as soon as I get up in the morning...

Don't expect a post from me next week.  I'm going to New York this week to do the Christmas in the City bit with my Mom and older sister.  Then we are coming back to Washington, DC (where my tour is located until after the New Year) for Christmas Eve and Day.  My goal is to not eat too horribly, but I'm not going to be counting every calorie either.  I just need a breather for a few days.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a very Happy Holiday and Happy New Year as well!!

Weigh-In Wednesday: 12/12/12

Last Week's Weight:                               241.4
This Week's Weight:                               239.0

Weight Lost:                                               2.4

Total Weight Lost:                                    71.0

I wish that someone had been there to see the huge grin spread across my face as I stepped on that scale this morning.  I wish I had words to accurately describe how happy I am to be out of the 240s (NEVER to see them again, if I can help it!).  This is my second week in a row I have lost almost 2.5 pounds, so I must be doing something right, huh?

This was a bit of a rough week for me emotionally.  As you know I decided to not run the half marathon originally because of money but then realized it was a good decision because I was actually not as physically prepared to start training as I had hoped.  Also, the bed in the hotel last week really messed up my back so I've been in a bit of pain this week and its affected my exercise.  I could barely do anything Monday because I was in so much pain.  At the airport I actually laid down on the floor because that was the only position when my back didn't hurt.  Not being able to exercise took a toll on me, as its my main source of stress relief, and so my mind has been in a cluster.  Then add on top of all this, I had a bad "tall day" on Sunday because of a dumb woman at CVS who made a comment about my height and I took it very personally.

On that tangent for a second... I really wish I could get over my sensitivity about my height but this is the one thing I just can't seem to get over.  I can change my hair color, my clothes, hell even my weight but I can't change my height and its the ONE thing that people notice the most about me and its the thing I hate the most about myself.  I just wish people in this world didn't find it acceptable to comment to me about it.  I don't go around making comments about other people's appearance to THEIR face, so WHY do people deem it acceptable to make a comment to me about my height?  If someone was freakishly short, I would NEVER say to them, "Wow, you're short!!!  That must SUCK!"  Why?  Because I have MANNERS!  So, WHY do people think if you're tall it's okay???  I just don't get it.  Okay, I'll get off my soapbox now.

Here's my goals for this week:  To get my back to feel normal again.  To run (if I can) 3 miles, at least 3 times.  To cross train for at least 45 minutes at least 2 other days.  To eat well.  And to lose another 2.5 pounds.  

If I can do that leading into the holidays with my Mom and my sister I will feel great about slacking off for a few days.  I arrive in DC a week from tomorrow and I absolutely can't wait.  It will hopefully be a great Christmas!

Hope you all have a great week!

Well...

After attempting my first "long run" of the half marathon training, I realized that maybe it's a good thing I cancelled the half marathon.  Because I couldn't even complete the 4 mile distance yet.  It was just too ambitious of a time frame.

But I'll get there.  Eventually.  I was just impatient.  So I'm going to alter the training.  I'm going to gradually up my mileage and I'll eventually run 13.1 miles.  I just don't know when.

But, I do know one thing, it will be sometime in 2013.  Because that's a given!

Sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do

Today I came to a very difficult decision.  It's a decision that I've made before, but this I had to make it for a different reason.

I'm not running the Disney Princess Half Marathon in February.

Last time I did it because I was in a bad place mentally and couldn't make it work time wise. (I had just re-entered the work force and was opening a Broadway show.)

This time I'm doing it because I just can't afford it.

Taking a trip to Disney World in February, while it sounds fantastic, is just going to take a huge hit on my bank account.  I had told my Mom that I would take her with me and I just can't make it work budgetarily right now.  I am at the point in my life when I need to actually start saving and putting money away for retirement and for a rainy day.  I need to make these difficult decisions where I choose the safer route, rather than the fun route.

This isn't going to stop me from training though.  I just won't do it as rapidly.  I know that I could have run this half marathon if I worked for it.  I know that in my mind and in my heart.  I had the determination to do it.  So, that won't change.  But, this will make the week that my Mom is in Washington DC with me for Christmas a less stressful affair as I won't constantly be running to the gym to run.

This sucks, don't get me wrong.  I'm disappointed.  I just needed to make a grown up decision and that sucks sometimes.

Weigh-In Wednesday 12/5/12 & Beginning of Training

Last Week's Weight:                                      243.8
Current Week's Weight:                                 241.4

Weight Lost This Week:                                    2.4

Total Weight Lost:                                           68.6

I'm not going to lie I did a little dance when I saw the scale this morning.  I was overjoyed for a few reasons.

1.)  I lost my Thanksgiving weight and I'm going against the trend of losing weight during the holidays.

2.)  It's the lowest my weight has been in QUITE a long time.

3.)  I had friends come and visit me on the tour and I ate pretty horribly last Saturday (fish & chips, fried pickles, queso, beer, etc.) which resulted in my weight skyrocketing to 247 the next day.  Of course I would never have counted that weight, but I more stepped on the scale for the shock value and to kick me in the butt for the rest of the week.

4.)  I'm also going against the trend and I'm losing weight while on tour!  That is quite an anomaly.  Most people come out onto the road and gain a bit of a bulge because of how difficult it can be to eat healthy and because temptations surround us and it makes it very easy to put off working out.

 Basically, I'm just happy that my hard work is paying off again.  It's such an addicting thing to step on that scale and to see the number go down every week.  If I can keep up this momentum I am only a few short weeks away from hitting my all time lowest weight ever.  I just can't believe I'm back here!  My legs feel really strong, my pants are more loose, my friends are commenting on how good I look...  All signs are just positive right now.  Gotta keep it up!

So, with regards to my half marathon... My training officially started this week!  I realized quite quickly that I'm going to have to be flexible and move around my training days due to travel, press, etc.  My Mondays and Tuesdays are typically kind of nutty so I might need to shuffle things around because of whatever is scheduled for me work wise.  But, I've decided to make things easier for myself by creating a spreadsheet to log all of my workouts.  So far, so good!  I feel really strong and I can't wait to increase my mileage!  My speed is already increasing too.

I guess I'm just a bundle of positivity today.  I'll take it, because lord knows these days do not happen all the time!

Anyway, here's to hoping I get below 240 next week.  If I do, I'll celebrate with 50 sit ups!  :)

Weigh In Wednesday: 11/28/12 - The Setback Edition

Last week's weight:                         242.1
This week's weight:                         243.8

Weight gain:                                       1.7

Total weight lost:                              66.2

I knew that there would be a week where I would gain weight and it's not surprising that it was Thanksgiving week.  I mean, when you eat 2000+ calories in one sitting, what do you expect? Honestly, I'm slightly okay with just the 1.7 pound gain.  The day after Thanksgiving, I had gained 3 pounds, so to be able to get it back down to 243ish was a good thing.

But, this is just a sign that the holidays are officially upon us and with that come the holiday parties, holiday drinks, holiday treats, etc.  Also, for me it means lots and lots of movies (and in addition: movie popcorn).  The temptation is going to be everywhere and the temptation to just throw in the towel for the next 5-6 weeks is very great.

However, I am going to keep trying  I am determined to buck the trend and lose weight this holiday season instead of gain it.  My official training for the half marathon is going to start next week and I'm determined to do well on that as well.  I hit a milestone the other night and was able to run a full 5K on the treadmill.  I felt great afterwards.  I'm really excited to have a training schedule again.  It's just another thing for me to be accountable towards.  If I screw up that, I can kiss the half marathon goodbye and that just isn't an option for me.

Something that I'm actually having an issue with that I haven't had to deal with before, is the desire to over do it.  I'm having to force myself to take rest days from exercise.  I think part of its because I'm eating back some, if not all the calories I'm burning off and so when I don't exercise I automatically feel like I've overeaten and that I'm a gluttonous pig (even though I'm attempting to stay within the range of calories my counting app has allotted for me to lose 2 pounds a week sans any exercise at all).  I don't think this is a very healthy way to view it.  I almost feel like I have a form of exercise bulimia or something.  Instead of making myself throw up, I'm exercising.  I don't think it's quite as bad as that yet, but if I don't try and change my mindset it could get into kind of a grey zone.  I could do some damage not just mentally but physically as well.  Yesterday I forced myself to take a rest day and I hated it.  I felt gross the whole day.  I was starving because I was trying to not eat more than 1500 calories, but meanwhile my hip was tight and was thanking me for taking the day off.  I need to listen to my body more than my mind right now.  If I'm hungry, I need to eat.  Not eat everything in sight and not horrible things, but an apple or some carrots, maybe even a string cheese.  When my body is tired, I need to stretch it and rest it.  I WILL NOT fall into the pit that I've seen so many weight loss bloggers fall into: they think they know better than their own bodies and end up doing damage both mentally and physically.  Again, just not an option.

Okay, so I'm sorry for this rambling post but I just had some of these thoughts rattling around my head for a few days and felt like I needed to share them.

Weigh-In: 11/21/12

Last Week:                              246.7
This Week:                              242.1


Loss This Week:                         4.6
Total Loss:                                67.9


I knew that I would have a big loss this week after seeing such a small one last week.  I would like to just say that in three weeks I've lost 12 pounds.  I'm EXTREMELY happy about this.  I know it will slow down, and that's okay too, but for right now I'm just going to keep riding this train.

I've had a couple of non-scale victories this week as well.  I decided to take my resting pulse the other day before I went down to the gym.  62.  I honestly had no clue what was considered a good resting pulse rate so I looked it up.  According to a website I found, the normal range for an adult is 60-100.  For an athletic adult, it's 40-60.  Um, holy crap.  The fact that my resting heart rate almost puts me into the "athletic" category kind of blows my mind.  My inner fat girl just put down her bag of Oreos and is reeling.

My other non-scale victory was at the gym.  As you know, I've been training for a half marathon and I realized that since I am traveling from city to city, and there are going to be quite a few cities that I won't want to run outside, I need to get used to running on a treadmill.  In days past, I could run 5, 6 miles outside no problem.  But the moment I got on a treadmill I wanted to die a quick painful death.  I would be bored to tears and talk myself into walking about 5 minutes into it.  Well, the other night I actually ran 2.7 miles on it.  Considering I'm consistently running 3 miles outside, getting that kind done on the treadmill really gave me the confidence that I will be able to successfully train for this half marathon.  It's still going to be insanely hard work, but I can totally do it.

In other news, I was very happy to discover that while I'm in Washington DC over the holidays there is something happening called "Commitment Day."  Basically it's a 5K race in over 30 cities across the country on the first day of the new year to celebrate people's commitment to living a healthy lifestyle.  I can't wait to do it!  I hope that everyone will look up and see if there is a Commitment Day race happening in your neck of the woods and sign up!  I think this is a great thing.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!

My Massage Adventure: Part II

A while back, in the very early days of this blog, I wrote about a Massage experience  I had.  I had my first ever deep tissue massage, and I talked about my nose running while I was facedown on the table.

Well, I went for another deep tissue massage this week.  I've had a few massages over the past year, but this was the first deep tissue massage since the previous blogged about experience.  Gotta say, the other girl ain't got nothin' on this guy.

I thought that my previous masseuse worked it all out, but now I know what it really feels like to have a deep tissue massage: I HURT!

When I got into the room I told the guy to not go easy on me.  I told him that I've had massages where I've walked out feeling as though nothing had happened.  I told him that I would tell him if he was being too harsh, but that I had some massive knots that needed breaking up and the only way that was going to happen was if he put some elbow grease into it.  He was most definitely taken aback.  He asked me if I was sure, and I told him I was.  I explained I was training for a half marathon and that I had some serious lactic acid build up.  He agreed, and then it began...

I started out laying face up, which I always find a bit weird.  My back is always my worst area and when its left for the end of the massage I'm always worried that the back might get short changed in terms of time allotment, but this guy had good time management skills.   This again was one of those times when I was happy that it was a full body massage because my legs really needed some attention.

Also, for the first time in my life, I checked the box on the information sheet that said that I wanted my gluteal area worked on.  He kept it covered with a sheet and thankfully he only worked on that area for a few minutes because if he worked on it anymore I would have screamed out loud.  I was already doing the silent scream into the face donut thing.  My GOD that part hurt!  Since I was diagnosed with have a lazy ass I've been trying to do some exercise to target my butt.  I want it to be strong enough to handle all the running I need to do over the next few months and I guess I don't really stretch it correctly after I work out.  Seriously, I would never have thought it would hurt that badly to have my ass massaged!

Finally he reached my back and he dug down deep into those massive knots I always have around my shoulders.  I honestly could have used another 30 minutes so he could fully get rid of those knots, but at the end I did feel better.   SORE but better.

The rest of the day I spent recovering from the massage by drinking so much water I thought I was going to float away.  I did go to the gym that night but because my hip was sore from being beaten up, I didn't really push myself too hard.  I only walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  I tried to run, but because of the sore hip I was actually limping while I was running so I decided to call it a night.  Tonight I again went easy and did 30 minutes on the stationary bike and did a LOT of strengthening and stretching.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be back in tip top shape to run a few miles.

I realized that in order for this training to go as well as I would like it, I'm going to have to invest in massages more frequently.  Hopefully with more frequent massages getting all of the gunk out of my system, it will make the training go just a tad bit smoother.  I mean, I'm not expecting it to make it a piece of cake because this is supposed to be hard work, but I'm thinking it might alleviate at least a little bit of the lingering soreness.

And hopefully with not as much time between massages I will be mentally prepared for the after effects.   36 hours later and I'm still sore!!

Weigh In Wednesday: 11/14/12

Last Week Weight:                 247.4
This Week Weight:                 246.7

Lost This Week:                           .7

Total Weight Lost:                    63.3

Still going in the right direction!  Not as much as I would have liked, but this past week was a certain week of the month and therefore I'll take what I can get!  I'm still going strong with tracking my calories and I'm working out 5-6 times a week.

Even if I just get down to the gym for 30 minutes, I'm trying to move my body 6 days a week.  I'm pretty proud of myself that it's now been two weeks and I haven't really faltered.  I was expecting to have slacked off a tad already, but I'm not!  I think this really does have to do with having my boss doing this right along side me.  When I'm having a weak moment, I text him and he talks me out of whatever bad thing I want to eat.  Take this week for instance...  I'm always the weakest about food at night.  Well, this week I was craving saltiness like CRAZY!  (thank you lady parts...)  I was so bad, I was getting ready to bust into a prepackaged salad  just to eat the croutons!  But, I texted my boss and he talked me down and out of it, but while still laughing at me.  It's nice to have that kind of support out on the road.  I think it's what I really needed this past year.

Since next week I will be back to normal Maia again, I'm hoping that I will a slightly larger drop in number.  A loss is still a loss, but I want a bigger one!  I want the 2 pound loss weeks of the past.  I can do it again!

But for now, I have to keep my hand out of the pumpkin full of leftover Halloween candy.  Gotta go grab some carrots instead!

Weigh-in Wednesday: 11/7/12 Post Election Edition

Last week's weight:                        254.9
This week's weight:                        247.4

Weight loss for week:                     7.5 pounds

Total weight lost:                            62.6 pounds

This feels fantastic to see the numbers on the scale go down again.  I know that the vast majority of that was water weight.  I know that I will NEVER see that kind of loss again.   But I'm just happy to be back on the right track again.

I'm counting every single calories (which I haven't done in a very long time.)  Last week I worked out 6 days.  This week I'm slacking a bit already because I took last night (Election Day) off to watch the returns with my company.  I was going to go to the gym, but I was afraid I was going to be alone on the treadmill when they announced Obama the winner and I didn't want to celebrate alone in the gym.
But I'm changing into my running gear as soon as I finish this post and then its off for a run along the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale.

I just want to keep the scale moving in the right direction.  I'm ready to see some numbers that I've never seen before!

There and Back Again: A Wandering Maia's tale

Well hello there.  No, I did not forget about this blog.  I have been busy traveling the globe and taking a bit of break from life, pretty much.

The last you heard from me, I was in Japan sweating my ass off.  While it was hot and I did lose some weight there, the experience in Japan was more of a "life journey" one rather than  "weight loss journey" one.  Aside from the quick visit I made for work about a month prior (in which all I saw of Tokyo was from inside a taxi cab) this trip I was able to go out and explore.  I soaked in the culture, and I can't lie... the food.  Hey, Tokyo is pretty known for it's food!

Shibuya intersection.  Right in front of my hotel

Japan was quite a trip and I am so glad that I was able to go and experience such an amazing country.  Unfortunately I was not able to really work out there AT ALL.  The hotel we were staying in did not have a gym and the one that hotel guests were able to utilize required you to wear their provided clothing.  Honestly, I couldn't get down with that.  Also, since I was staying in Shibuya (the Times Square of Tokyo) taking a run was pretty much out of the question.  Have you ever seen the movie "Lost in Translation"?  Well, basically that movie was shot all around where I was staying/working.  It will show you what I'm talking about.

When all was said and done when I got back from Japan I had actually lost a few pounds simply from sweating like a beast and walking around a lot.  It wasn't any significantly huge number, but it was something.  Unfortunately that loss disappeared in the weeks following.  Why?  Because I had 5 weeks off from work while our set was being shipped back to the States and I took advantage of it.

By doing what?

By going to New Zealand, of course!!

Seriously, GO TO NEW ZEALAND!

For those who don't know, my little sister lives in New Zealand and I thought having 5 weeks off from work would be the perfect time and excuse to go and finally visit her and see a beautiful country.  I took two out of my five weeks and flew BACK to the other side of the world (I came back to the States for ten days before I flew out.  Gotta rack up those frequent flyer miles!)  I did and saw so much in those two weeks.  I got to spend some great quality time with my little sister touring primarily the south island and seeing the breathtaking landscapes that this country has to offer.  I saw the breathtaking Milford Sound and hiked a glacier!!  I mean, come on... how cool is that?

While in New Zealand, I did a lot of walking but that's about it.  I wasn't really careful with my diet and even though I had brought my running gear with the best of intentions of taking a few runs along the waterfront in Wellington, I decided that chatting with my sister over a cup of tea was more important.  Needless to say, I didn't lose any weight while I was down there.  I did gain back the five pounds I had lost in Tokyo and brought back an extra couple just for good measure.

My little sister and me on Fox Glacier.  Admit it, we're awesome.

The real damage I think that I did came in the days upon my return to the States.  I flew back to NYC and had ten days before my trip back to the world of "Million Dollar Quartet" and my life on the road.  I should have taken advantage of this time by taking some runs through Central Park and watching what I ate.  Did I?  Nope.  I was lazy.  I knew the entire time that I was making bad choices, yet I just kept right on making them.  Telling myself that it was okay because I was still technically on vacation (um... no) and that I would just lose whatever weight I gained from said bad choices once I got back to my "real life."

Yeah, I ventured back into the headspace of Maia circa 2010.  I didn't think I would ever see the day when I started saying stuff like that to myself, but I did.  And what was the result?  I gained another three pounds.

On my last official weigh-in on 7/29 I was 249.2 with the hopes of losing 15 pounds in three months.  As I mentioned above, that did not happen.  Instead I came back to this:

254.9

That's the highest weight I've been in a LONG time.  Well over a year.  I have no excuses except that I was enjoying myself.  I wasn't taking care of myself, but I was enjoying myself.

I know that the journey I'm on and what I'm doing is a marathon and not a sprint.  I know that there are going to be set backs and this is one of them.  That's why I'm not really all that worried.  Because I've been back at work for four days now and I've worked out all four of them.  I'm tracking my calories carefully.  I'm making pretty good choices when it comes to food.

Also I am pre-training for my half marathon at the end of February.  I lost some of my stamina and I need to get back up to being able to run 3 miles consistently if I want to be able to complete this thing.  

Between moving my butt and tracking my diet I know that I'll get the weight I gained off, and I'm ready to keep right on going!  I'm tired of telling people that I have more I want to lose, I want to go right ahead and lose it!  I want to hit that goal weight!  I want to drop two more pants sizes.

These are all achievable goals and I'm in a pretty good mindset to do it.  My boss is doing really well and so we are supporting each other through this.  A simple "I'll see you in the gym tonight!" helps so much...

So, that's where I'm at.  Some amazing experiences in the past three months, with the pounds on my thighs to show for it.  But I'm refocused and ready to go.

This will happen.  I know it.

Why?  Because I'm going to MAKE it happen.

I'm alive

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to give a quick note that I'm alive and well and in TOKYO!!

I was off from the tour for about four weeks.  During that time I made a lightening quick trip to Tokyo for advance press for the tour's engagement, and then flew home to Kentucky for three weeks.

It was glorious being home for three weeks with NOTHING TO DO!!  See, even when I go home to NYC for time off, it's not relaxing.  I'm rushing from place to place either to visit with friends, run errands, visit doctors, etc.  I usually end my time in NYC just as exhausted as when I arrived.  But, during my time in Kentucky I had a few goals and the number one goal was TO RELAX!!  While I did get a few errands accomplished, but most of my time was spent with my Mom just enjoying our time together watching movies,  talking, etc.

While I was home I did go running, although not as much as I should have.  But, about 2-3 times a week I went for quick jogs around my Mom's neighborhood.  It was great because even though the runs were relatively short (a little over 2 miles) they were HILLY.  I don't think I ever realized how hilly our neighborhood was until this trip!  It was great to get my (previously diagnosed) lazy ass pumping.  The best way to work those butt muscles is through hills and boy, did I give them a workout!  In terms of diet, I wasn't great but I wasn't awful.  I think I ended up losing maybe a pound or two.

How do I know that?  Because I gave in and bought a scale while I was there.  The problem was that my weight kind of fluctuated quite a bit while I was there.  I think part of that was because I was retaining water after my insanely long flight back from Japan, and then I lost that weight but then I was eating more salty stuff than normal, so then I was gaining it back again.  Either way, I didn't lose what I wanted to, but I'm okay with it.

I currently have no clue what my weight is.  I left the scale at my Mom's house and I don't know when the next time I'll encounter one.  I was told by a few people that it looked like I lost a few pounds but that could have just been them being polite.  I'll just have to see.

When I get back from Japan, it should be interesting...  See, the problem is that I'm either going to lose 10 pounds while I'm here, or I'm going to gain 10.  Why?  Because I'm a bit of a picky eater (ie, I don't really like seafood) and unfortunately seafood is a large part of the Japanese diet.  They do have other cuisines here, like Italian, Thai, burgers, etc but those are not the healthiest options.  So, I'm either going to not eat a lot, or what I do eat will not be great.  We'll see...

So that's what has been happening with me for the past month.  I don't know if I will be updating again from Tokyo or not.  After I return from Japan I'll be back in NYC for about 10 days and then I head to New Zealand to visit my little sister for two weeks.  I'm just a traveling FOOL and I love it.

Hope everyone is well!

Weigh In - 7/29/12

Alright...  I'm currently preparing for my four day whirlwind trip to Japan for work (not a leisure trip... working the entire time) and I realized that I needed to post my official "Start of Layoff" weight.  I am hoping that through some determination, controlled eating habits and hard work (lots of running) that I will be able to drop 20 pounds by the time that the tour starts back up again in Orlando at the end of October.  That's my goal.  20 pounds in essentially three months.  I can do it!!!

Weight 7/29/12:                    249.6

I gained about 5 pounds from when I left New York three weeks ago.  I figured that was about right with my back being out of commission plus my uncontrolled eating.  But no more!

I went back to my chiropractor here in Toronto on Friday and she said that I can get back into running once I no longer feel pain in my back.  I honestly think the main culprit is the bed in the hotel.  When you wake up feeling worse, that's a bad sign, right?  So, I'm hoping that getting to my Mom's house and sleeping on a better mattress will help this out.  We'll see...  I plan on finding a chiropractor while I'm there, just in case I need to go back in for a tweak.

Also, I decided NOT to pack my scale.  I'm going to try and do all of this simply by holding myself accountable.  I can tell when I'm on the right track.  I feel better.  I feel healthy.  My clothes start to feel looser.  If push comes to shove and I find I simply can't do without one for three months, then I'll simply go buy one.  No biggie.  It's not like it would be that hard to find, and they aren't really that expensive.

Alright, so you heard it here first kids... By October 28, 2012 I plan on weighing 229 or below.

Let's DO THIS!!

To Scale or Not To Scale?

Okay everyone, I have a question I would like to ask you and to get your opinion on...

At the end of this week, my tour has a good amount of time off.  We have four weeks off, during which I will spend the majority of time at my Mom's house in Kentucky.  After our time off, our tour flies to Japan for three weeks where I will be in Tokyo for two weeks and Osaka for one week.  After Tokyo, we again have five weeks off, during which I will be in New York City and New Zealand (can't wait to visit my little sister in New Zealand!!)

I know you're wondering... "Okay, but what's the question?"

I'm wondering if I should pack my scale with me to have during the time off and Japan or have it go into storage for three months?

Here's the thing...  I've gained a bit of weight since we've been here in Toronto.  It's partially due to my back and being afraid to really exercise.  The other part is I've been craving all sorts of horrible food since I've been here, and I have been caving to the cravings.  I've gained about 7 pounds in the two and half weeks since I've been here.  I know that during the breaks I can most definitely lose this and then some.  Not to mention I'm actually thinking that I might lose weight while in Japan because I'm actually not a huge fan of fish, and I'm worried about how much I'm going to find to eat while over there.  My boss told me the last time he was in Japan (his taste in food is very similar to mine) he lost ten pounds.  Now, I'm not counting on it, but it's in the back of my mind.

I'm afraid that I'll be neurotic about how much weight I'm losing during my time off if I take the scale.  Like constantly measuring myself and beating myself up if I'm not losing it fast enough, or if I'm not losing enough.  I would like to relax during this time off, and while I do have certain goals that I would like to achieve while I'm there, I don't want it to be all that I think about.  If I don't pack it and it stays with my stuff and goes into storage with the other stuff from the tour, I think that I will be a bit more relaxed about it but I'm worried I might be too relaxed about it... Plus, not really having an idea where my weight is during the almost three months could drive me crazy, not to mention my calorie goal for the day would be a guess.  I wouldn't know my exact weight and therefore wouldn't necessarily be eating the right amount of calories for the day.

You see what I'm saying?  I'm afraid of the two extremes...  Neurotic and obsessed if I have it, or completely slack off and go crazy without it.

I know that without trying too hard I will lose some of this weight, because I'm pretty sure some of it is water weight from the amount of salty crap I've been eating.  I just feel swollen.  I'm definitely looking forward to having a full kitchen again and cooking for myself.  I know that because of that alone, I will be so much better about my eating habits.  Not to mention I need to watch how much money I spend over the breaks and the best way to do that is by cooking for myself.  Also, I need to be sure to keep up the running while I'm home.  My official training for the half marathon begins after my second break when the tour starts back up in Orlando and I need to not be starting from scratch.  I would like to be at the point where I can easily run four or five miles, like I used to.  So, I know that I will lose weight, but will it be enough is the question...

I just don't know...

While you guys ponder what I should do, I'll give you the update from my chiropractor visit.

I have a weak ass.  Literally.

According to her, because I have a desk job and sit for the majority of the day my butt was not used to working the way that I was demanding it do when I got back into running.  My glutes were not functioning properly thereby straining my lower back to compensate.  She also thinks it might be the combination of that and the crappy hotel bed from the hotel I'm in.  She gave me acupuncture in my lower back and attached some electrodes to my butt and made my glutes contract on and off for about 10-15 minutes during my visit.  It made me laugh just lying on this table with my butt half exposed being literally shocked into submission.  She gave me an exercise to do every night and told me not to run during the rest of my time here in Toronto and that I need to ease back into it.  (I think I over did it while I was in NYC and did that four mile run as well...)  But, my back has felt better since my visit and I am doing what she said.  I have one more visit with her before I leave so I'm hoping that I will be okay for a while.

Okay, that's its for me for a few days.  Before I leave from Toronto I will post my official weight, so I have a starting off point for the beginning of the break, with or without my scale.  I have a goal to lose 20 or so pounds during the next three months.  I NEED TO DO THIS!!  I need to know that I can still lose weight and not just the same ten pounds that I've gained and then relost during this past year.

I have an ouch-ie

I have been in Toronto for a week and a half and pretty much one thing has been consistent since my arrival...

My lower back is killing me.

Some days have been better than others.  This is my first time ever experiencing this kind of pain before, so I wasn't really sure what to do or how to handle it.  I kind of figured it would just go away on its own.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

I have made an appointment with a chiropractor for tomorrow afternoon and I hope that I feel normal after this.  I don't like not being able to do the most mundane things because it might make my back twinge.

The other horrible side effect that my back pain has had, is that I haven't really been able to exercise that much.  I've tried a few times and while I felt okay while I was running, honestly I couldn't get my mind off the fact that I was afraid I was going to make my back worse.  So, I haven't fully run since Sunday, which in and of itself isn't horrible, but what do I do when I'm not feeling well?  I don't eat well either.  Doesn't help that there is a Wendy's across the street from the hotel and on the way to the theater.

I checked my weight this morning and thankfully I haven't really gained since my last official weigh in.  It just irks me because I had such huge hopes for these three weeks in Toronto and with the weather being bearable (compared the harsh summer the US is experiencing...) I really wanted to get out there and RUN!

Luckily I have a few months until I start my official training for the half marathon.  I have time to get myself back into shape.   I just feel slovenly.  Like, even though the scale doesn't say it, I feel fatter.  All the salt I've been eating probably isn't helping with that...

Anyway, I'll update you guys after I've seen the chiropractor and have (hopefully) gone for a run.

So... This Happened...

 

It is official y'all!

See you next February, Walt Disney World!  I'll be the one (well, one of many...) wearing the tiara and probably cursing myself as I run.

YAY!!!!!

NYC, what is it about you?

Ah... home.

It's been about 9 months since I've been home in NYC for more than 3 days, and I'm liking it.  It's a little weird because I'm crashing at my old apartment, however my room is currently occupied by a subletter.  So, I've been the main inhabitant of the couch and living area.  But, it's been great because I'm getting to spend so much time with my roommate and her wonderful dog, Wylie.  (Hi Beth!)

Since I've been here, my eating hasn't been that horrible.  Yes, I had a turkey burger and tater tots yesterday (um, hello!  There were TATER TOTS!  How can you say no to TATER TOTS??) but that pretty much filled me up for the majority of the day and then after my run I had a Clif Bar essentially for dinner.

A run, did you say?

That's right!  I've been back out and running in Central Park since I've been home and it's been great!  I have run two of my old routes, and even though they were kind of a struggle to finish, I am able to report that I ran 3 miles on Tuesday and 4 miles last night.  WOOHOO!!!  I'm not completely back, but I'm well on my way!  The 3 mile route was just twice around the Central Park Reservoir path but the 4 mile route was my old hilly route that most definitely put me to the test.  The other great news?  Even though I felt like I was going SO SLOW, when I looked at my watch?  I realized that for the first mile, on both runs, I was FLYING! (Or, at least flying for me...) but then I had to slow down and pace myself for the rest of the run so that I could finish.  All in all, I finished both runs at a 13:45 mile.  I'm insanely happy with that.

Why?  I mean, by everyone's standards, that's really slow.  I'm extremely happy with that, because when I took my break from running last year the fastest pace I recorded was 13:30, and that was after MONTHS of training and running!  I put in hours upon hours and miles upon miles to get myself down to that speed.  If I'm starting out at this speed, after a couple of months of C210K training, I'm very excited to see what I am going to be able to accomplish come next February.

And what's next February, you ask?

Why, the Walt Disney World Princess Half Marathon, that's what!

I know, I've said this before but this time, it's gonna happen!  Registration opens next week, the timing is pretty perfect with the tour, and I've talking with my roommate's fiance and she has agreed to run it with me.  I was worried about this week's runs actually because I wanted to be able to run a decent distance again before I made this commitment.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to run 3 miles consistently, which is what they say you should be able to do before you start training for a half marathon.  Well, I've run 7 miles thus far this week and I'm going to go out again tonight and put in at least another 3.  By the time that my official training schedule starts in the fall I should be good and ready for it.

I'm so excited.  Things are starting to look up for me fitness wise.  I've received several compliments since I've been home about how I look and I do have to say that I do feel better about myself when I look in the mirror.  Even though the scale doesn't reflect a weight loss, I do think that I've lost some inches.

The thing is that I've never felt more physically challenged than when I'm running.  I sweat more, I get my heart pumping and my muscles ache.  I push myself more than I ever do when I'm on an elliptical or exercise bike.  I don't know why, maybe its because I could never run before as a child, but it's a total mental block.  When I run, I am always striving to be better than I was the day before.

Anyway, that's what is happening with me in the Big Apple.  I head to Toronto next week for three weeks.  I'm hoping that there are some good running trails nearby.  Now that I'm back to running outside, I don't want to get back on a treadmill!  It's just so boring!

I probably won't post again from NYC.  I left my scale with my tour stuff, so it's well on its way to Toronto right now.

Catch you guys from the other side of the border!

Are You Okay?

It's been a while since I've posted, but no good excuses.  Whenever I don't post, it's usually for the same reasons:  I'm depressed, I've eaten poorly, I've stopped exercising...

In this case?  All three.

Last week my tour was in Las Vegas.  In addition to that, it was my birthday and one of my best friends came out to visit me.  We stayed in the Fremont Street area of Downtown Vegas instead of near the strip and while I liked being away from the craziness of the strip, staying on Fremont presented its own problems. Number one being that there was no food really accessible except for fast food.  I ate more crap my week in Vegas than I think the past two years combined.  It was awful!

In addition to the bad eating, I had a friend in town so instead of making time to exercise I was spending every waking moment with him.  I enjoyed it, but boy, did I feel the pain when I finally got back onto the treadmill this week.  My body was rejecting it and my heart rate skyrocketed WELL above what it normally does.  By last night though I was feeling closer to normal and even tested myself to kind of cheat on the C210K and run longer than was required so that I could make sure I could actually run a mile again.  Good news, I could.  :)  I had a smile on my face after last night's workout, that's for damn sure!

Anyway, add the horrible eating (also it was my birthday so there was some drinking involved!) with the lack of exercise and I'm positive I gained about 5 pounds (AT LEAST!) during the week of Las Vegas.  I stepped on the scale today for an official weigh-in for the first time in a month...  It could have been worse.  It could have been better too, but I'm back on the road to fixing that!

Last Official Weigh-In (5/19/12):                  244.9
Today Official Weigh-In (6/23/12):               244.9

Nothing lost, nothing gained

I know that I've lost some of what I gained that week, but I also know I'm not back down to where I was before.  The clothes that had felt a little loose don't feel the same, that's how I know.

On top of the weight fluctuation, I got kind of depressed as well.  I tend to get depressed around my birthday, so it's nothing new.  Just a kind of "blue" feeling washed over me.  I think it had to do with being away from my NYC "Family" not to mention my actual family.  It's really hard sometimes for my family to be literally spread across the globe.  But I'm feeling better, especially since I have a few friends here in LA (where my tour is through the beginning of July) and after that I get to spend a whole week in NYC over the July 4th holiday.  A whole week to just go back to my normal life.  It will be a nice break.  Then for the entire month of August I'm going to be staying with my Mom back in Kentucky.  That I'm actually looking forward to the most!  Crazy as it sounds I miss Kentucky (I'm sure that will pass in a few days after my arrival) but it will be nice to just relax, spend time with my Mom and get some stuff accomplished that I've been putting off.  Not to mention, eat real food that I've cooked for myself and not from a microwave!

I've come to a couple of conclusions over the past month that I want to share with you.  One night in Vegas, I had a dream (which I usually don't remember...) and the only thing that was vivid enough to remember the following morning was that I had received a text message from my dear friend and all it said was "Are you okay?"  At the time, I wasn't actually sure of the answer.  It was the midst of my depression last week and I couldn't honestly say "yes" or "no."  This week, I think I know the answer... "I"m getting there..."  I slipped and fell last week in terms of my life and this week I'm picking myself up, shaking myself off and walking in the right direction.

The other conclusion I came to a couple of days ago was that I'm becoming a very negative person and I don't like it and to be honest I don't even know if I like myself.  I'm finding myself making very bitchy comments and remarks the vast majority of the time.  I don't know if its because I'm tired and I'm looking forward to the upcoming break or if this is just what I'm becoming.  Either way, I'm going to try and make a very concerted effort to be a nicer person.  I don't want to be mean.  Sarcastic?  Sure, I've always been sarcastic, but I don't like being mean.  So, from here on out I'm going to try and think positive thoughts.  It might sometimes be a challenge but I'm going to do it.

Anyway, this is where my mind has been the last couple of weeks.  I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make progress next week.  Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Oh, and since it was my birthday last week, I decided it was time for another comparison photo.  Even though I don't think I've lost a lot of weight, I think I might be losing some inches.  (sure do wish I kept track of those... Maybe one of these days I'll get around to it!)

Until we meet again, oh great interwebs...

Holy Dehydration Batman!

My work has brought me to Tempe (Phoenix) for the week and holy crap, it's hot!

Every single day is forecasted to be at least 100 degrees, and while yes, it's a dry heat that doesn't make the heat any less unbearable.

The hotel we are staying in does not have its own gym, but they have an arrangement with Arizona State University to allow hotel guests to use the Student Rec Center.  After taking care of the normal errands that I usually take care of after my arrival in a new city (grocery shop, get the lay of the land, etc.)  I decided that I might relax by the pool and read for a bit.  Um, yeah... that lasted about 20 minutes.  Even just laying out in the sun I started to drip with sweat.  I took a bottle of water outside with me, but I only drank about half of it.  First step in my road to dehydration...

After my casual pool lounging idea was a total bust, I decided I should just go ahead and make my way to the gym.  Get my work out over with for the day, that way I had plenty of time to shower and eat dinner before seeing a movie with my boss later that evening (a typical Monday night event.)

As soon as I started walking to the gym (it's two and a half blocks) I realized that I had left my water bottle back in the hotel.  I don't have one in the gym on a regular basis so I figured I would be okay.  WRONG.  Step two in my road to dehydration...

Today was the first day/long run of the new week of my C210K program.  It called for me to run 5 minutes/walk 1 minute a total of 10 times.  After the first 15 minutes I knew it was going to be a rough one.  I slowed my pace way down, I extended the walking breaks, basically did anything I could do (with the exception of shortening the running segments) to get me through it.  The thing I realized is that even though the gym was air conditioned, I think my internal thermostat knew that it was over 100 degrees outside because I was sweating like crazy.  Even more than normal.  My legs felt sluggish, more so than they should have after the previous two days of rest. (stupid hotel in Salt Lake City locked the gym door on Sunday night and not even their master key could get it to open.  I was livid that they made me miss my run.)  Afterwards, however, was when I noticed a slight pounding in my head. My lips were insanely chapped, and I was drenched in sweat.  We have a winner!  I was officially dehydrated!

When I got back to the hotel I drank about a liter and a half of water, but it was no use.  I dehydrated myself and it was going to take me a while to recover.  It made me realize that on a regular basis, I do not drink enough water.  Unless I am sincerely making an effort to drink water specifically, I am a soda drinker, and when I do drink water it's with Crystal Light or Mio mixed in.  I just find water so boring!  I know that soda, even of the diet variety, is insanely horrible for me but I just can't stop!  Caffeine plays a factor with that as well.

What I did buy at the grocery store are the flavored carbonated waters, but as soon as I buy them, I drink them almost immediately and they are quite cumbersome and not easy to really buy in bulk as say a case of soda.

I need to do a lot better with my water though.  I can't be in a constant state of dehydration for the two weeks, or I'll be miserable!

Chug a lug, Maia!  Drink it up!

I'm a Beast, or Musings of a Woman Going Scale Free

So, even though it hasn't really been very long since I've decided to go scale-free, I've already come up with some thoughts on the subject.

Pro:  There is a pressure that I feel has been lifted since I'm not constantly looking at the scale for validation.  I'm looking for other non-scale victories instead, like how my muscles feel, if my clothes fit differently, etc.  No numbers, just little pats on the back.

Con:  I do have a nagging fear in the back of my head that keeps popping up.  "What if this whole scale free month doesn't change anything and I'm at the exact same place where I started.  How much of a failure are you going to feel like?"

I have to admit, this is a huge fear of mine.  I wanted to do this scale-free project because I wanted to get back to basics, which is measuring and tracking exactly what I eat and how many calories I burn.  If I go along with that formula, in theory I should be shedding weight.  However what if I follow this formula and it doesn't work?  What will I do then?

The problem is that I secretly have a number that I would love to see on the scale at the end of this scale drought and even if I do see weight being lost, if I don't come close to this number there is a very good chance I'll be severely disappointed.  I need to get this number out of my head, especially since it's not really realistic, like at all...  I'm essentially setting myself up for a set back if I keep thinking this way with regards to my experiment.

Anyway, in other news, I did have a pretty nice non-scale victory last night.  I was running in the hotel gym when one of my actors and his fiance came into the gym.  I had about a half hour left of my C210K program, so I just let them do their thing and I did mine.  Then, after my cool down I took off my headphones and they both said something along the lines of "How do you run for so long?  You're a beast."

Do you think he meant this Beast?

Literally, he said I was a beast.

Can't lie, that felt amazing.

They proceeded to ask how I came to be able to run for as long as I was (4 minutes with 2 minutes of walking in between for this week of my C210K).  I told them about the "Couch to..." programs and the app I am currently using.  I suggested that they start with a 5k program since they might get frustrated and possibly overwhelmed with a 10k program.  They asked me all sorts of questions and I was more than happy to answer them all for them.

At the end of the conversation, the fiance thanked me and told me she felt encouraged and even excited about the prospect of learning how to run.  I felt good that I had passed on some words of wisdom, and it inspired me to definitely keep at it.   It was just another reminder at how far I've come.  I was that intimidated person, scared about the idea of running a mile, let alone a 5k or 10k.  I was able to accomplish it, and while I was significantly heavier than I am currently.

I can do this.  I can run a 10k again.  I can run a half marathon.  Beyond that, we'll see...

Hiatus from Weigh Ins

After the craptastic couple of weeks that I've had, I have decided to take a break from one thing...

My scale.

As I work diligently to get back on track, I want to take some of the pressure off myself in anyway I can.  I want to focus on my eating and my exercise, not the number on the scale.  Because at the end of my month long hiatus, if I have maintained the focus that I hope to regain, my scale will show it.  But I don't want to chance discouraging myself in the midst of my "reset" period.

Because that's what I'm doing.  I'm hitting "reset."  I'm already feeling better.  I'm making decisions.  I'm making good decisions.

I am trying to remember that it was hard work that got me here and it was not short process.  I'm trying to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.  That I've just taken a slight detour and now I'm getting back into the race.  

I'm hoping this pays off.  Expect my next weigh in at the end of June.  I have some challenges that face me before that weigh in, especially my birthday.  I need to remember to not overindulge simply because some people deem it acceptable.  I need to keep my eye on the prize, and that's not found in birthday cake or the bottom of a martini/wine glass.

I WILL DO THIS!!!

A break that just wasn't

After my struggles the last couple of weeks I decided to heed some people's advice and take a bit of a diet break.

I had been exercising and tracking my calories pretty diligently, but I wasn't seeing effective results.  I was see-sawing between the same 10 pounds and it was slowly driving me out of my mind.  People thought that maybe my body had become used to the diet and that I should take a break, both dietary and mentally from it all and get back on track once I was refreshed.

Known for their wacky flavors

So, at the beginning of this week I took this advice.  I decided I wasn't going to really track my calories.  I would still work out and stay with my C210K (because if I'm going to run a half marathon next year, I need to stay on track with my running) but I figured I could keep myself relatively in check dietary wise.

Boy, was I wrong.

This break, even just a few days long, proved that I am most certainly not in a healthy enough place mentally to where I don't need to track what I eat.  What did I do?  Well, I'm in Portland this week, so one of the first places I visited was the infamous Voodoo Donuts.  Had I been tracking, I still would have had one, but I would have accounted for it and made adjustments to the rest of my day.  Nope, instead I ate one right after buying it and bought another for later.  Now, for those who haven't had the privilege of partaking of a Voodoo donuts, they are about as big as your head.  Two of these gigantic donuts in the course of one day?  Yup, that's your entire day's worth of calories, at least.

The next day at the theater it was someone's birthday, so of course there was a cake.  Again, I completely over indulged.

Captain Crunch doughnut

I don't know what the scale says officially yet (because I've been good and have hidden it away rather than keeping it in my hotel room) however, I'm scared.  I know that I'm probably tipping the scales at some ungodly number.  Truth be told, I'm not going to weigh myself this week.  I don't need to discourage myself any more than I already am.

I had such great goals for myself.  I wanted to be at my goal weight by my birthday next month.  Now, I'm even further away from it.  I'm not proud of myself anymore.  I don't see the good, I only see the bad.  I also find myself comparing my journey to other people's journeys and wondering why they are so much more successful than I am.  These people who have lost 100 pounds and then some.  They were able to get over their plateau, so why can't I?  What am I doing wrong?  I know that I shouldn't be comparing, but I just can't help it.

I know, you are probably sick and tired of reading these insanely negative posts, but its the best place for me to get out how I feel about the whole thing.

So, I'm officially done with this "break."  I can't handle it.  I obviously don't have the self control for it.  So, once again (I know, I've said this time and time again... just bear with me.) I'm going back to what worked for me in the first place.  I'm going to limit my calorie intake according to what MyFitnesspal says that I should be eating.  I'm going to continue to run.  I'm going to cross train/weight train on the days in between my runs and give myself two rest days.   I'm going to keep track of how many calories I've burned according to my heart rate monitor.  I'm going to eat back my calories (to a certain degree) that I've burned.

This was the method to my madness before.  I was okay with losing 1-2 pounds per week before, so why am I disappointed in seeing those numbers now?  Why do I think losing 1 pound a week is bad?

I guess I'm impatient.  This has been my life for over a year and a half now.  I want to get to my goal weight, or at least be able to see it in the distance.

I need it.

Weigh In: 5/19/12

Last week:     248.0
This week:     244.9

Lost:                  3.1

I actually had lied in my previous post this week.  I didn't just balloon up to 246 (that was what I weighed when I posted that) I had ballooned up to 248 last Saturday.  6 pound gain in a week.  Ugh.  That's why I was in such a bad place this week.  I was so disappointed in myself and I didn't completely understand why.

I'm still not in a great place mood wise in regards to everything.  I've been tracking food, exercising, etc.

I actually took two days in a row off from exercise this week because I had gone six days straight and I felt my body needed the extra time to recover.  That second day I felt so slovenly.  I just felt gross because in my head I felt I should have been working out to try and fix the weight gain.  Even though my body did need the recuperation, it was almost as though I was punishing myself for the massive weight gain, and punishing it with exercise.

This is not healthy.

So, here is what I'm thinking...

I've actually upped my caloric intake.  I took some people's advice about the possibility that maybe my calorie count was too low and so I upped it a bit.  I also think that I'm going to be switching up my caloric intake every week or so.  I'm hoping that this will shake up my metabolism so that it never really knows what the hell is going on.  We'll see how this experiment works.

I'm still on my C210K program and its going well.  With the exception of an occasional bad run, I still am enthusiastic about the whole thing.  I am now getting impatient though and want to be running longer distances.  I know I need to wait though and stick with the program.  If I stick with this one, maybe I'll be able to run faster as compared to when I first started running.  That time I gave up on the C25K because I wanted to run for longer stretches but yet I was slow as molasses.  We'll see if this theory pans out.  I'm hoping it does.

Anyway, that's it for my rambling right now.  I'm in Seattle this week.  I've never been here before and I absolutely adore it.  Definitely a city I could see myself settling down in if I ever decide to leave NYC.

Anyway, have a good day everyone!

M

Up and Down and Round and Round

I'm getting really frustrated.

For the past 7-8 months I've been at a complete stand still.  My weight has fluctuated within the same ten pound range and I can't seem to get below 238.

This week, I've ballooned back up to 246 and I don't really know why.  I'm working out about 5 days a week, my eating has been a little worse, but most definitely not enough to warrant as big of a weight gain as I experienced, and it just seems like no matter what I do I can't make the scale move.

I'm getting really frustrated with the whole situation and really starting to think that I won't ever get to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I have a goal and I really want to reach it, but I just don't know if I will.  I'm almost back to where I was mentally at the beginning of this whole thing.  When I look at pictures of myself, I'm disgusted.  I think I look awful and all I can see is a fat person who needs to lose weight.  I'm no longer proud of the weight I've lost.

I've actually caught myself thinking "to hell with it, I'll just quit and gain it all back..."

I need to get out of this, but nothing I am doing seems to be working.

Help!!

Official Weigh Ins Begin again! Starting Today.

It's been a while since I officially posted a weigh in.  After I got back from Germany, I weighed myself and was around 245.  It was pretty much what I had weighed before I left, so I was satisfied without having gained any weight over my vacation.  However, cut to last Saturday, I weighed myself again.  What did I see?


247.8

I had gained two pounds since getting back to work on the tour!  I had barely exercised, and I wasn't really watching what I was eating.  So, it kicked me in the butt.  Since then, I've worked out 4 days in a row, and have tracked every single thing I've eaten for the past 5 days.  I'm quite pleased with the results.  I bring you todays' official weigh in:

Last weigh in 4/28/12:                    247.8
Current weigh in 5/5/12:                 242.1

Weight lost this week:                        5.7

I'm sure a lot of that was water weight from the crap that I had been eating, but it feels good to see such a huge change in a week.  I just need to remember not to expect such huge changes every week and to be happy even when I see a pound, or so lost.  I'm back in the swing of things.  I know I've said this before, but it really feels different this time.

I'm running again, and tracking my food.  It's what got the weight off the first time, and it's going to get the last of it off.

Here's to a healthier me!

I'm walking (or running) on sunshine

Today, for the first time in probably 9 months, I ran outside.

Our tour is currently in Sacramento and the sun has been shining beautifully everyday.  I'm still getting over jet lag and have been waking up relatively early lately.  I've been wanting to start working out the last couple of days, but today was only the first time I've felt completely normal again.  So I strapped on my heart monitor, tied my running shoes and headed out the door.

The day was too beautiful to run indoors (not to mention the hotel doesn't have a gym) so I decided that I needed to just suck it up and get back on the horse so to speak.  I'm not going to lie, I was nervous.  I have been using this C210K to help me with my speed and I was afraid I would revert back to my slow self.  I was afraid that without the conveyor belt of the treadmill pushing me along that I wouldn't be able to keep running as long as I had been.  But, I decided to push all of these awful thoughts to the back of my mind and just do it.  (Thanks Nike.  No copyright infringement intended.  :) )

There is a park around the capitol building here in Sacramento, and I had heard this was a good place to run, so I headed in that direction during the warm and as soon as I reached it, it was time for me to start my first running leg.  I must say, I surprised myself!  I was definitely running faster than the last time I was outside and the running segments seemed to fly by!  It reminded me why I liked to run outside in the first place.  So many things distract me and I don't realize how long I'm running.  "Look at the pretty trees!  The pretty sky!  The cute kids playing on the capitol steps!  Oh wow, time to walk again..."

My heart rate definitely was higher than when I ran on the treadmill and because of that I burned a significant amount more than when I did this same day at the gym.  (I decided to repeat week 4 of the program since I took the past two weeks off.)

It started to get kind of warm towards the end of the run and I was gross and red faced.  But you know what?  I felt great.  I felt like I had accomplished something and jumped a hurdle that had been looming in front of me for months.  I had been scared to get back out there, and I proved to myself that this hard work that I'm putting back into my running is going to pay off.  I feel confident that I'm going to achieve my goal of a half marathon this time.  I have lots of time, and a will power that I didn't have before (or at least haven't had for a long time.)

Yay for success!

Getting back to normal

Sorry for being radio silent for a few weeks.  My tour had a few weeks off and that meant that I actually had some time off to travel for pleasure, not work.

I ended up going to Germany and Austria.  I also took the time off from  real life in terms of diet and exercise.  I did a lot of walking and wasn't too horrible in terms of diet, but I honestly have no clue what the effect of my time off meant for my weight.  I plan on weighing myself tomorrow so that I can make plans on how to proceed.

I am now currently back at work and in California/West Coast for the next few months.  That means that I will be spending as much time as possible outside and hopefully better eating.  I feel refreshed in all ways, shapes and forms and so I look forward to renewing my quest to lose these last 40 or so pounds.  I'm going to redo my last week of the Run to 10K program so that I don't overdo it this week.  I could run outside this week, but I'm apprehensive to do that until I'm able to run a few miles consecutively.  Since I'm also using the program to improve my speed, I just don't want to run outside yet since I can't measure my speed very well until after the fact.  I feel like I would slip into my comfort zone rather than push myself.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  I'm back.  I'm recharged.  I feel good and I'm ready to move forward.  If it turns out that I gained a few pounds while on vacation, I'm okay with that.  It's typical for people to gain.  I know that now that I'm getting back to a routine I will lose it.

My life is moving forward.

Running vs. The Rest

Yes, I weighed myself this week.  I was pretty much exactly what I was last week.  I had a few bad eating days, plus the issues with my knee.  That all adds up to not losing any weight.

But, my knee is almost completely back to 100%.  I'm stretching it, resting it when I can, and it appears to be working.  That means I'm back on my C210K program, and boy am I happy about that!

Here's why...

Yesterday I did my Week 3, Day 3 program.  There are only three scheduled program days per week because you are supposed to either rest or cross train (any cardio that doesn't use the same muscle groups as running: elliptical, swimming, bike or even walking) on the in between days.  On my training day yesterday I was to run 90 seconds then walk 3:30 ten times.  By the end I was dripping in sweat.  I was tired and I felt great.  My heart rate had been high, but a good high.  I got a very good workout in, but I didn't over do it.  After some light weight lifting, I had burned well over 800 calories in 1 hour 20 minutes.  Simply put, I kicked ass.

Then tonight came...  I hadn't been on the elliptical in a few weeks and I felt it would be a good cross training device.  I actually wanted to swim, but the hotel pool closes early here so I wasn't able to get there in time.  I got on the elliptical and chose the same hill program that I alway use.  I set it to a lower level to warm up with and proceeded to increase the levels continuously.  Here's the thing...  I never really worked up a sweat for the entire 45 minutes I was on there.  My heart rate barely got up to 140 (and that was rare) and I burned a disappointing 450 calories.  I thought it was interesting that a machine that had given me such a good workout just a few short weeks ago now simply isn't cutting it.

I realized after only a few weeks of running, I've already increased my stamina so much that running back to giving me the best workout in terms of calories burnt, and heart rate (and I can do it!).  The others will work in a pinch, but I'm back to using running as my primary source of cardiovascular exercise!

YAY!

I'm really excited about this.  I actually really enjoyed running before.  It was difficult and constantly challenging my body in ways that I couldn't believe.  However when I achieved the new goals it gave me a high like I had never felt before.  I guess it comes from being overweight/obese my entire life.  I got so used to telling myself I couldn't ever do something, that when I finally did it?  Words can't describe that feeling of joy accurately.

I still have doubts creep back into my brain periodically (especially when my knee was hurting) about whether or not I can get back into shape enough to run a half marathon next year.  But you know, I think I'm a bit wiser going in this time...  I know what I need to do and not do, or at least I have a better idea.  I can learn from my previous mistakes.  I can be smart about it.

I will do this.  I will achieve this goal.  I will achieve all my weight loss/fitness goals.

I believe it.

Week 4 of my training is tomorrow.  I can't wait.

Oh so lost

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks.  It's because I haven't really known what to say.

I've gained more weight.  Since about a month ago, I've gained 10 pounds.  I'm at the highest I've been in almost a year.  I'm really depressed about it.  I'm not going to lie, but the thought actually crossed my mind "oh screw it, I'm just going to eat what I want and gain all the weight back.  I don't care anymore."

This scared me more than anything.

But the fact of the matter is, I feel disgusting.  I still feel like that failure from a couple of weeks ago.  A couple of pairs of pants have started to feel snug.  I no longer look at myself in the mirror and feel proud of what I've accomplished.  I look in the mirror and cringe.  I feel fat and ugly.  Mentally, I think I might be in the exact same place (self image wise at least) as when I first started this thing a year and a half ago.  When I feel like this I start to doubt myself in so many other ways too.  It really affects my entire life.

I know it's only ten pounds and in the grand scheme of things its not a huge amount and I was probably destined for a bit of a weight gain.  Most people whose story I've either read about or talked to them about has included a weight gain like this.  A bit of set back to help them get their crap together.  I'm hoping this is all this is.

Here's my course of action:

 - Back to tracking my calories full time.  (Have been okay about this, but there have been some skipped days and that always means those are days where I ate poorly and made bad decisions.)

 - Getting back into running.  I downloaded a Couch to 10K app for my phone.  I kind of did a C25K back when I first started running but I ended up getting bored and just started doing my own thing.  I'm almost starting from scratch again so I thought I would give this program another go.  For those that don't know (I can't imagine many of you who read this don't know what a C25k or C210K program is, but bear with me...) with this app it allows you to play your music on your phone and then a voice will pop up and tell you when you need to run and when to walk.  It's a super simple way build your stamina and increase speed and distance.  Since I'm not completely new to running I'm using the program as a way to also help me quicken my pace.  At my "fastest" I was a quite slow 13:30/mile person.  I'm starting this program at a 12:00/mile pace, or slightly faster.  I feel good about it.  I'm also doing it on the treadmill because I need to learn to run on one of these things without wanting to kill myself from boredom.

 - Buy individually wrapped snacks when possible.  This goes hand in hand with eating better.  Eating healthy while on the road is incredibly difficult but one of the few things I can make sure to do is to plan at least my snacking better.  When I went grocery shopping today, in addition to my yogurt and fruit, I knew that I would need a saltier snack for when I just need to curb the craving.  I went down the cracker aisle and these cheese crackers caught my eye.  They are not healthy and I won't try to say they are, but each individual bag is 200 calories.  I won't eat these everyday but it's a lot better for me to grab one of these small bags and stop when I'm done than to grab a BIG ol' bag of pita chips and chomp away.  I'm accountable this way.  I know what I ate and can measure and track it.  Who knows how many servings of those pita chips I would have eaten.  Other things I bought individually wrapped are the "to go" containers of peanut butter (actually realized I can't eat a full one in one sitting.  Quite a nice discovery.) rice cake "chips", fiber one bars, and I guess my apples, bananas, yogurts and cottage cheese containers count too.  I know that buying food this way is actually more expensive then buying in bulk, but I need to suck it up and spend a few extra dollars to try and see if this will help me.

 - Wear my heart rate monitor.  I just bought a new heart rate monitor and I'm quite excited to be keeping an accurate account of how many calories I'm burning per workout.  The treadmills/ellipticals are notoriously bad about giving you an accurate count so I've essentially been guessing for the past 9 months (or however long ago my other monitor died.)  It was nice to know that while I was on the treadmill I actually burned more than what they said and while I was on the exercise bike I burned less.  See?  TRICKY!

- Drink lots of water!  I get bored with drinking plain water.  I need flavor!!  So, in order to help me make sure I get my full intake of water I stocked up on Mio (those little squirt bottles that flavor your water with what I'm sure is plenty of chemicals.  Oh well, my chemical water will at least taste like orange-y goodness!  I also got Crystal Light.  Mmmm...  And the other thing that I bought (which I had completely forgotten about!) are the flavored carbonated waters from the grocery.  They taste really good and the carbonation might help me curb the amount of soda I'm drinking.  I'm a Diet Coke/Diet Dr. Pepper addict and I really should try and cut back a bit.

 - Limit myself to no more than one or two alcoholic drinks.  I went out last week and VERY MUCH overindulged.  It affected me much longer than it should have and I really just don't want to deal with it.  Also, I don't need the calories.

 - Get more sleep!  I was not sleeping well last week.  There were a few nights where I probably only ended up getting 4-5 hours of sleep.  That's really not okay.  I need to be shooting for at least 7 - 8.

Hmm, that's all I can think of right now.  It's a lot to think about, but it's all necessary.  I can't keep beating myself up like I've been doing.  I'm starting to feel hopeless and like I said before... it's scaring me.  My biggest fear is that no matter what I do the scale is going to continue to go up.

THIS.  CAN.  NOT.  HAPPEN.

Failure: Or How to Feel Like One

Yesterday was supposed to have been a weigh day.  Honest truth is that I did weigh myself but I almost fainted when I saw the number.  Gut reaction?  Shame and disappointment in myself.  I knew I indulged while in Memphis much, much more than I said I would and definitely more than I should have.  The result?  A 7 pound gain in one week.  I've never gained that much in a week, or at least since I've been tracking.

Of course I want and need to get back on track, but it seems like everywhere I turn this week I'm hit with a reminder that I'm failing.  I'm currently 10 pounds heavier than where I was when I left for tour and to make matters worse I went for a "run" yesterday.

I've been wanting to try and get back into running for a couple of months now.  I essentially stopped last year after a rather disastrous 10k where I hit the "wall" and pretty much fell on my ass.  I was in the midst of training for a half marathon and at that point I just couldn't get my head back in the game.  I decided to take a break from running and then join a gym.  Truth be told, I didn't run much more for the rest of the year after that.  It's taken me this long, but I'm finally ready to get back into it.

Unfortunately the "run" yesterday reminded me of how much I've lost in a year.  I couldn't even make it a mile without stopping and needing to walk.  I couldn't even tell you what my pace was, but I'm pretty sure it was embarrassing.  For a 1.5 mile loop, I probably walking 1/4 of it.  I wanted to cry.  Last year I was running 5-6 miles and not thinking anything of it.  Yesterday, and today for that matter, I was making a mile my goal.

I just feel like I've let myself down.  I'm going to keep working hard to get my stamina back, and don't worry... I'm going to be smart about it.  I'm going to add length to my distances little by little.  I'm not going to think that I can run a half marathon in a month or anything...  My goal by the end of this week if to hopefully make it that full 1.5 mile loop without stopping.  We'll see if I make it.

I just am finding it hard to be proud of myself for anything at the moment.