Are You Okay?

It's been a while since I've posted, but no good excuses.  Whenever I don't post, it's usually for the same reasons:  I'm depressed, I've eaten poorly, I've stopped exercising...

In this case?  All three.

Last week my tour was in Las Vegas.  In addition to that, it was my birthday and one of my best friends came out to visit me.  We stayed in the Fremont Street area of Downtown Vegas instead of near the strip and while I liked being away from the craziness of the strip, staying on Fremont presented its own problems. Number one being that there was no food really accessible except for fast food.  I ate more crap my week in Vegas than I think the past two years combined.  It was awful!

In addition to the bad eating, I had a friend in town so instead of making time to exercise I was spending every waking moment with him.  I enjoyed it, but boy, did I feel the pain when I finally got back onto the treadmill this week.  My body was rejecting it and my heart rate skyrocketed WELL above what it normally does.  By last night though I was feeling closer to normal and even tested myself to kind of cheat on the C210K and run longer than was required so that I could make sure I could actually run a mile again.  Good news, I could.  :)  I had a smile on my face after last night's workout, that's for damn sure!

Anyway, add the horrible eating (also it was my birthday so there was some drinking involved!) with the lack of exercise and I'm positive I gained about 5 pounds (AT LEAST!) during the week of Las Vegas.  I stepped on the scale today for an official weigh-in for the first time in a month...  It could have been worse.  It could have been better too, but I'm back on the road to fixing that!

Last Official Weigh-In (5/19/12):                  244.9
Today Official Weigh-In (6/23/12):               244.9

Nothing lost, nothing gained

I know that I've lost some of what I gained that week, but I also know I'm not back down to where I was before.  The clothes that had felt a little loose don't feel the same, that's how I know.

On top of the weight fluctuation, I got kind of depressed as well.  I tend to get depressed around my birthday, so it's nothing new.  Just a kind of "blue" feeling washed over me.  I think it had to do with being away from my NYC "Family" not to mention my actual family.  It's really hard sometimes for my family to be literally spread across the globe.  But I'm feeling better, especially since I have a few friends here in LA (where my tour is through the beginning of July) and after that I get to spend a whole week in NYC over the July 4th holiday.  A whole week to just go back to my normal life.  It will be a nice break.  Then for the entire month of August I'm going to be staying with my Mom back in Kentucky.  That I'm actually looking forward to the most!  Crazy as it sounds I miss Kentucky (I'm sure that will pass in a few days after my arrival) but it will be nice to just relax, spend time with my Mom and get some stuff accomplished that I've been putting off.  Not to mention, eat real food that I've cooked for myself and not from a microwave!

I've come to a couple of conclusions over the past month that I want to share with you.  One night in Vegas, I had a dream (which I usually don't remember...) and the only thing that was vivid enough to remember the following morning was that I had received a text message from my dear friend and all it said was "Are you okay?"  At the time, I wasn't actually sure of the answer.  It was the midst of my depression last week and I couldn't honestly say "yes" or "no."  This week, I think I know the answer... "I"m getting there..."  I slipped and fell last week in terms of my life and this week I'm picking myself up, shaking myself off and walking in the right direction.

The other conclusion I came to a couple of days ago was that I'm becoming a very negative person and I don't like it and to be honest I don't even know if I like myself.  I'm finding myself making very bitchy comments and remarks the vast majority of the time.  I don't know if its because I'm tired and I'm looking forward to the upcoming break or if this is just what I'm becoming.  Either way, I'm going to try and make a very concerted effort to be a nicer person.  I don't want to be mean.  Sarcastic?  Sure, I've always been sarcastic, but I don't like being mean.  So, from here on out I'm going to try and think positive thoughts.  It might sometimes be a challenge but I'm going to do it.

Anyway, this is where my mind has been the last couple of weeks.  I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and make progress next week.  Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Oh, and since it was my birthday last week, I decided it was time for another comparison photo.  Even though I don't think I've lost a lot of weight, I think I might be losing some inches.  (sure do wish I kept track of those... Maybe one of these days I'll get around to it!)

Until we meet again, oh great interwebs...