Weigh-In Wednesday: 7/6/11

Highest Weight:     310
Last Weight:          242.2
Current Weight:    244.2

Current Gain: 2.0

Total Lost: 65.8

I expected a gain.  I had a huge loss last week, I indulged over the holiday weekend, I didn't work out that much during the holiday weekend, and I binged yesterday.

Yes, that's right.  I binged.

Yesterday was a really bad day.  A combination of a great many things culminating to just make for a really crappy day.  I never really talked about this, but last summer was just one day after another and what would I do to make myself feel better?  I would binge.  I would go to the near by drug store and stock up on a ton of junk food.  Then, I would get home and eat at least half of it.  Those binges were probably anywhere from 3000-5000 (maybe even more...) calories looking back at them.

Yesterday's binge was not NEARLY this bad, but it was a binge none the less.  My binge yesterday was probably close to only 1000.  Granted, I did end up going to the gym yesterday to work off part of it, but it can't erase what I did.  It's been a LONG time since I've had a binge like this and it really disturbs me that I went back to this sort of thinking.  I remember as I was grabbing the food in the store that in my mind I thought "I'm already going to be up on the scale tomorrow because of the holiday, so this won't matter..."  Horrible way of thinking, of course!  I probably would have only been up a pound or so on the scale if it hadn't been for yesterday's binge.

Well, all I know that I'm not going to dwell on my slip up yesterday.  I'm going to start today fresh and on a new page.  I'm going to get back on track and go to the gym this week.  I worked a lot over the holiday weekend and I was just so exhausted to go to the gym.  But, no excuses this week!  My goal this week is to work out 6 out of 7 days.  I need to stay in my calorie range and I hope to see a this gain off the scale next week.

Onward I go!

Judge not

Michelangelo's The Last Judgment

*Steps on soap box*

I've noticed something interesting in the past 10 months.  That when it comes to certain dieters and fitness bloggers that there is a certain level of judgment.  Whether people mean to or not, they tend to compare their own way of getting healthier and losing weight to others.  I've been guilty of it myself.

I tend to really dislike formal "diets."  By that I mean any formal eating plan such as Paleo, Adkins, Special K, Slim Fast, etc.  Unless its a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle for personal beliefs, I tend to think that these plans just don't make sense for a long term lifestyle for the vast majority of people.  There are exceptions to this of course, but I feel like the majority of people can't maintain it long term.  For me, counting calories works and is something that I can maintain long term because it allows for me to have a small indulgence every once and while and that's something that I need in order for me to make it work.  This, of course, is all just my opinion.

Is it wrong of me to think my way is better than others?  Hell yes.  I know that as soon as I think it, which is why I never voice these certain opinions (other opinions in life, I have no problem voicing!) out loud.  If I have managed to let one slip, and its upset you please accept my sincerest apologies!

I just wish that other people realized that this kind judgment is wrong too.

Lately I've had a couple of people make little comments as to what I've been eating as if what they are eating is better.  That my form of exercise isn't as good as theirs because mine takes place in a gym on an exercise bike instead of running or training for a race.  I don't hear any comments being made when my scale shows a loss just as much as theirs come weigh day, but yet it doesn't stop the food and exercise comments.

I have never been okay with people making snide comments like this in my life.  This probably stems from my childhood when my father would passive aggressively call me fat by telling me what I should or shouldn't eat.  Maybe this makes me more sensitive to these types of comments, I don't know.  All I know is that I'm going to mentally slapping my wrists whenever I catch myself saying these things to myself.  Also, I'm going to be ignoring these people.  Deleting them from friends lists, blocking them, deleting from phone, etc.  I just don't need it in my life.  There are plenty of supportive people in my life (both real and blogger/virtual) who are positive influences and who inspire me.

Be supportive people.  Don't make snide judgmental comments. 

*steps off soap box*

Weigh-In Wednesday: 6/29/11

Highest Weight:  310.0
Last Weigh-in:    247.4
This Weigh-in:   242.2

Weight lost this week:  5.2
Total Weight lost:       67.8

HolyohmygodisthatweightforrealIcan'tbelieveit!

Actually, I do believe it.  I worked hard this week.  Like, I kicked my butt.  I had some form of exercise 6 out of the past 7 days.  Be it working out an hour at the gym on the stationary bike, spinning bike, elliptical, stairmaster or the new love of my life, the rowing machine or walking the two and a half miles home from work...  I have moved my butt a lot. 

Also, my eating has been almost completely on point.  I have kept relatively close to my calorie goal every day and I've been eating back about 100-200 calories from what I've burned to ensure that my body isn't thinking that I'm starving it.  So, I've been at about 1500-1600 total calories eaten per day.  Not too shabby!

It probably doesn't hurt that some of this is probably water weight lost after a certain awful week of the month.  But, doesn't matter!  That weight counts too!

The thing I'm happiest about is that my enthusiasm is back.  I've been feeling like I did when I first started this project.  I'm counting calories, I'm wanting to move and sweat.  I haven't wanted to do any of this for a while.  I think it was going to the Do Life 5K last week.  Seeing all of these wonderful people with all of their amazing stories inspired me to continue my own.

Now I will say that I expect to either plateau next week, or to see a small loss.  My body is going to have to adjust to this big loss and I'm okay with that.  I'm expecting it.  It happened back in the fall/winter too.  Of course, I don't know if I saw losses this big...  But if I don't lose anything next week, I'll be ok.  But how awesome would it be to be out of the 240s next week?  I would be ECSTATIC!!

Hope you all have a great week!!

Weigh In Wednesday: 6/22/11

Highest Weight: 310.0
Last Weigh in: 248.0
This Weigh in: 247.4

Weight Lost this Week: .6
Total Weight Lost: 62.6

So, even though the last public weigh in I was at 243, I gained weight in the weeks following.  Last week I secretly weighed in at 248.  I owe it partly to my birthday and partly to me just slacking.  I barely exercised and I was eating like crap.  I was making excuses, and the fact that I secretly weighed in was a sign of how I was ashamed.  Like if I didn't talk about it, it didn't exist.

Amazing Do Lifers (and me)

But, this past week I got my spark back.  On Sunday, the Do Life tour had its stop in NYC and I attended.  After spending the morning walking/jogging a 5K and then chatting it up with Ben, Jed and Pa (and Rob, Cindy and other awesome Do Lifers!) at the Whole Foods, I realized that I needed to get back on track.  I am in control of my life and the outcome of it.  So starting that day, I got my act together.  I have been watching my diet strictly again and I've been kicking my butt at the gym, more so than ever before.  I've even started working on different machines.  (Stairmaster?  That thing is HARD!  I'm not usually a huge sweater, but I was DRIPPING!)

Long story short, am I incredibly happy with this particular weigh in?  Not really, but I know its my fault and I am doing something about it.  And to be honest, I stepped on the scale on Saturday and I was reading 250, so really seeing a 247 shows me I'm already making progress.  I know I will beat this plateau, I know that I will make my goal.  I just need to continue to put in the effort that has gotten me this far.  I've come a long way, but I have a long way to go.

Also, I just wanted to share a little comparison photo.  I put it on my facebook page and most everyone will have seen it there already, but I wanted to share it again.  It's a little reminder to me of my hard work.

Need to hit Restart

I'm not going to lie...  In terms of weight loss, these past few months have not been great, and it's all my fault.

Since the beginning of March, I have lost a total of around 10 pounds (had lost more, but just gained back 5 pounds in the past two weeks).  While it counts as a loss, yes, I don't deem it acceptable.  If I were working out as often and as hard as I could, or counting every single calorie that went into my mouth, I know that this number could have been SO much more.  THAT'S what frustrates me.

I've started slacking, and I'm not okay with this.  My number of workouts per week, as well as the amount of time per workout have gone down SIGNIFICANTLY.  I'm listening to the excuses in my head instead of ignoring them like I used to.  I'm allowing myself those extra treats now and then, and instead of counting those calories and making the suitable adjustments I've been slacking in my calorie tracking.  As if not writing it down meant that I didn't eat it.

These things are NOT okay!!

I need a mental reboot.  I need to get the enthusiasm and vivacity that I had in the beginning.  It's not as if my long term goals have changed at all, but I find that lately I've been feeling as though I will just need to accept that I'll never reach them.  Again, NOT okay!  I don't need to be defeatist about this.  I do NOT need to accept that these goals will never happen, I need to MAKE them happen!

I need to stop being complacent.  I started this journey nine months ago by taking control of my life.  That control has slipped a little, but it's time I grab those reigns again.  I WILL do this!!

A Reflection of My 30 Years on Earth

Monday is my birthday.  I shall be turning the big 3-0.

I thought this would be the perfect time to take a moment and look back.  Look back at where I came from, what I've been through and to see how far I've indeed come.

Fifteen years ago, I was lost.  Yes, I know a lot of people will say that they were lost during their teen years (hello, they don't call it teen angst for nothing!) but I fully stand by this statement.  I was unhappy about who I was, both physically and emotionally.  I would look in the mirror and literally cringe.  I thought I was hideous.  (Unfortunately this type of thinking stuck with me for a lot longer than it should have...)  It was during my teen years that I developed my idea that because I was overweight, I was unworthy of so much in life.

I used to look at pictures of myself and cringe because I thought I was so ugly.  Now I look at myself and cringe, but for an entirely different reason.  I cringe because I feel sorry for that girl.  A girl who was so obviously lost inside her own feelings of unworthiness.

Honestly, what I think I needed back then was a personal cheerleader.  I needed someone to help me get out of my own head and point out the obvious to me.

Did I have friends?  Yes, I had a lot of them.  But did I have that person who would sit me down and say, "Maia, you are being stupid... You are beautiful.  Inside and out."  No...  But honestly, I don't know if that kind of thing is possible in high school because everyone is working through their own insecurities.  No one really had the time, nor self confidence to be able to say that to themselves, let alone anyone else.

I credit so much of my growth over the past 10 years (because the growing up finally started to happen around 19-20) to my good friends and most of my family.  People started to get angry with me when I confided in them how I felt, because they didn't understand it and I didn't know how to explain it.  To me, it was obvious.  Plain as day.  I knew to the very depth of my soul that I was unattractive.  Now I look back and can see it plain as day that I wasn't unattractive, I was unhappy.

I was unhappy for such a long time.  I took great strides to conceal my unhappiness.  I put all of my energy into my career, and tried to make myself forget.  I tried to convince myself that I didn't need to love myself, because I could at least love my job.   Every once and a while some of my emotions would bubble to the surface.  Usually I was alone, but occasionally other people saw it (usually aided by alcohol of course...)  It was when my safety net of my career gave way, that I was finally faced with the ugly harsh reality of my self loathing.  I reveled in it for about three months.  Summer 2010 might as well be renamed "The Summer Maia Never Got Out of Bed."

It honestly was not until August 27, 2010 that I finally decided to take control of my own life and find my joy.  I didn't do it for anyone else, I did it for me.  I wish I could tell you what clicked in my head that night as I was trying to fall asleep.  But somehow I just knew that the next day, sorry for the cliche, was the first day of the rest of my life.  August 28th was a Saturday.  I remember thinking to myself that it was weird to start my life over on a Saturday, and that I should wait until Sunday because it would be more symbolic.  But I stopped myself.  I knew that I didn't do anything to change on that Saturday, that I wouldn't do anything at all, so I did.  I went for a walk.

It seems so simple now.  Just a walk.  A mere mile and a half around the Central Park Reservoir.  I'm sure I was insanely slow, but I did it.  I watched what I ate that day.  I didn't count my calories, but I made a conscious effort to eat well.  The next day, I did the same thing...  At the beginning, I thought I didn't want to track my weight loss.  I wanted this to be about getting healthier, both inside and out.  That first weekend then turned into a full week of eating healthier and being active.  I had already started to feel better.  I broke down and realized that I should track my weight loss as a tool to measure my success but that I wouldn't base everything around it (I need reminding of that sometimes).  My ultimate goal was to feel better and the weight coming off was merely a by-product of that.

That weekend I went out of town to visit a friend and I told her my plan, and I realized that was my other key... I needed to not keep this a secret as I had done with so much of my life in the past.  I needed to tell the world!  I wanted everyone to hold me accountable!  I wanted everyone to hear my struggles and successes.  The highs as well as the lows.  And so I restarted this blog, and in doing so I started to read other people's blogs (I'm looking at you Skinny Emmie and Ben Davis...)  I was inspired by these people going through the exact same thing I was going through.  I realized I wasn't alone.

Slowly but surely through out the fall, I got better.  I started counting calories, I started walking every day with an occasional burst of running due to a "Couch to 5K" I was attempting, I was doing everything right.  The weight started dropping off of me.  My blood pressure went back to normal.  I could walk up a flight of stairs without being winded, and best of all?  I could look in the mirror and say with all sincerity, "Maia, you look pretty today."

As my life started to fall into place physically and emotionally, the job situation got better as well.  The universe had been trying to tell me for so long that my life was unbalanced.  I was focusing on too much of one thing, while completely neglecting the other.  It is this balance that I strive to maintain today.

Balance is the key to life, I've learned.  Lead an unbalanced life?  You lead an unhappy one...  You can't put all of your energy into one aspect of yourself, you must find time to nourish them all. 

Have I lost my way occasionally during the past 9 months?  Sure I have, but I have managed to find my way back.  I refuse to let the old Maia win.  The Maia that won for 28 years.  She puts up a good battle sometimes.   But as I enter my 30th year, I must say that the Maia I've become over this past year is one of whom I am incredibly proud.  She knows who she is now.  She knows what she wants.  She knows how to get it.  She can look in the mirror and say with confidence, "You are pretty."

She is happy. 

She has found her balance.

Weigh In Wednesday 6/1/11

Highest Weight:     310.0
Last Weigh In:       248.4
Current Weigh In:  243.0

Weight loss this week: 5.4
Total Weight lost:   67.0

Woah.  Really wasn't expecting that.  Not gonna lie, kind of wondering how accurate it is.  This past week I've had a pretty bad sinus infection and haven't been able to get to the gym at all.  I was definitely careful with my diet because of it, but I really wouldn't have thought it was enough to warrant that huge of a drop.  Maybe I was holding onto some water weight?  Really not sure!!

I'm just kind of flabbergasted.  I think this might be my biggest drop in one week.  Not sure.  Going to brace myself for it to go back up a bit next week, but will try my hardest to try and make it to 240 next Wednesday.  That would be AMAZING!!