What a week this has been...

I didn't have an official weigh in this week and I'm going to tell you why...

Last Thursday, after a pretty decent (not quite) 4 mile run in the morning, I got to work and was filling up my water bottle at the fountain when I suffered from the worst back spasm I've ever encountered in my entire life.  Like, crippling, barely able to walk to the ibuprofen fast enough, kind of pain.

This is what I've been struggling with for this entire week.  This injury seems to have wormed its way into my head much worse than the other two back injuries and has made itself a nice little nest of depression.  And what do I do when I'm depressed?  I eat.

I'm depressed because I was on a ROLL.  I was gaining great strength and stamina, I was dropping weight and I was feeling good.  I was THISCLOSE to being just "overweight".  I was breaking my record on a weekly basis for lowest weight ever.  All of that to come to a screeching halt because my body couldn't handle the pressure.  It choked when it came to the finish line (kinda.)

I stepped on the scale for an "unofficial" weigh in and I've gained back all of the weight I lost since Christmas.  I've basically completely destroyed three weeks of hard work.  I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted again.  I'm still at a lower weight than when I started tour last year (when I felt great about myself and thought I looked fantastic) but now that I've seen the greener pastures, any step backwards is failure.

The good news is that this stops NOW.  I went to the chiropractor today and he told me that I was suffering from a strain of the lower back due from both overexertion and a weak core.  Both of which make sense.

I told him that I've been having this same thing happen anytime I try and run over 3 miles.  He said it was because my body is comfortable with the 3 miles and so are my core muscles  When I try and go over that, the fatigued muscles can't hold the weight of my own body and therefore are strained. Also, I need to be stretching them and taking care of them outside of exercising them.

He gave me some stretches as well as a few exercises that I can do both when I'm injured or not.  He said that I just need to ease my way back into things and to do some sort of core strengthening on a daily basis.  He said within a couple of weeks I should be seeing and feeling results.  He did tell me the news that I wanted to hear, and that was that he didn't see any reason why I couldn't eventually get back up to the longer distances.  THANK GOD.

So tonight I get back on the treadmill and walk.  I'm not going to push it, but I need to get my legs moving.  Tomorrow, we shall see.  My eating gets back on track ASAP.

I'm hoping that I see a decent drop from my "unofficial" weigh in, but I do know that I will be working hard (but not TOO hard) this next week.

Hopefully next week you will see me reporting an official weight of 235 or less.  Keep your fingers crossed that my back stays strong!!

PS - I'M FREEZING!!  It's currently a whopping 3 degrees here in Schenectady, NY.  This morning when I woke up it was -4.  This.  Is.  Not.  Okay.

Stay warm folks!

Weigh In Wednesday: 1/16/13 The Weight Gain Edition

Highest Weight:                                        310.0
Last Week Weight:                                   234.3
This Week Weight:                                   235.9

Weight Gain:                                                1.6

Total Weight Lost:                                     74.1

Blargh.

Yeah, this week wasn't the greatest eating wise.  I ate out a few times, including stuffing myself at an opening night party just last night.  I'm not happy about it, but I'm not really worried about it either.  Could have been worse.

Would I have liked to have moved downwards again, and officially left the obese category?  Of course, I would have!  But I just need to buckle back down this week and stop allowing myself certain cheats here and there and this slight gain will be gone along with even more weight.

The other thing I need to do this week is get back to exercising in the morning.  The week before last when I had that huge drop in weight was when I was exercising in the morning almost every day.  This past week, I was exercising at night, and here I have a weight gain.  If I move my exercising back to the morning and I see another good loss next week, I'm going to take that as the sign that it does indeed just work better for me.

Alright, I can't really write a long thoughtful post today, I have to go do a promo event for my show and load a truck in the snow.  Yay.

You're Beautiful

*WARNING* 
This post is not my attempt to fish for compliments.  This is an honest look into my frame of mind.

For those who have read this blog since I started documenting my weight loss, you will know that this tends to be a recurring theme: my lack of self esteem when it comes to my looks.  Overall, I'm significantly better than I used to be, but I definitely still have my moments (especially when it comes to my height).

Well, recently, I've been having some of those moments.  Even though as I'm sitting here typing this I'm at my all-time lowest weight as an adult, I have been struggling with my looks.  I may have just fit into a size smaller jeans (Yup!  Sure did!), but I've frequently been struggling with doubts.

Recently, a few people have referred to my "beautiful face" or have called me "gorgeous" in their greeting ("Hey there, gorgeous...") and instead of taking these as compliments, I immediately question their sincerity.  I immediately think they are being sarcastic, and poking fun at me.  It makes me sad that I immediately go to this place and assume the worst of these amazing people because in the back of my head I do know they are sincere.  Also, I have actually gotten to a place where on a pretty regular basis I can look in the mirror and think I look pretty good, so why the instant negative thoughts?

I think the problem is when I hear it from other people.  I'm not someone who has a lot of experience hearing compliments from the opposite sex (hetero members of the opposite sex, I suppose I should clarify) and was made fun of quite a lot as a kid because of my appearance.  My height, my freckles, my horrible perms (in middle school), the way I dressed, my braces, my weight.  You name it, I've been made fun of for it.  I didn't date until college and then it was scarce.  Men have never gone out of their way to make me feel beautiful and so recently when I randomly started hearing it on a somewhat regular basis, I immediately reverted back to 13 year old Maia.

I wish I knew how to get 13 year old Maia out of my head and gone for good.  I'm so much better than I used to be.  I'm so much happier than I used to be, but that awkward teenager still rears her ugly (no pun intended) head.

I guess the fact that I can acknowledge this as lunacy instead of just accepting it as fact is a step in the right direction.  Maybe I'll eventually start to believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful.

Who knows, only time will tell I suppose.

Weigh-In Wednesday: 1/9/13 The Lowest Weight Ever Edition

Highest Weight:                          310.0
Last Week's Weight:                   239.4
This Week's Weight:                   234.3

Current Weight Lost:                      5.1

Total Weight Lost:                        75.7 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Current BMI:                                30.1

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I'm sorry, now that I'm picked my head up off my keyboard from passing out in shock, I'll continue with this post...

Last week on Facebook I posted that I hoped to have some great news on Wednesday.  This was what I was hoping to share.  I was hoping that I would surpass my previous lowest weight so that I could once again say that I've lost 75 pounds and the other goal that I hoped to announce was that I had officially moved out of the obese BMI category into overweight.

I definitely achieved one!

I'm ohsodarnclose on the other.

I'm over the moon ecstatic right now.  Last year when I hit my lowest weight of 235, I never thought I would see it again since the next week I skyrocketed up 7 pounds and stayed there for over a year.  I think I am now safely ensconced in the 230s and I'm well on my way to the 220s (hopefully).

I also just want to reiterate that I don't consider myself obese anymore, so I don't hold that much stock in the BMI chart.  I don't think they take into consideration muscle mass and bone density.  I'm probably not ever going to be in the "normal" category because of the way I'm built.  Unfortunately doctors do go by that.  So I would just like to medically not be considered obese anymore.  And I'm almost there.  I'm 1.5 pounds away!!  So, next week I'm hoping.  I've just gotta stay focused.

It's happening again.  I'm in the zone.  I've missed the zone!

One quick thing before I finish this post... I would just like to also point out that I've lost 20 pounds since I came back out onto tour at the end of October.  So, basically 20 pounds in two months.

Um, yeah...  And who said you can't lose weight on the road???

Weigh-In Wednesday: 1/2/13 Post Holidays Edition

Highest Weight:                                     310
Last Weigh In:                                       239.2
Current Weigh In:                                  239.4

Total Weight Gain:                                      .2

Total Weight Lost:                                   70.6

Okay, so I'm still going to take this as a win.  This is the time of year when almost EVERYONE gains weight.  So, for me to essentially not gain or lose anything during those two weeks?  Yup, it's a win.  Because I know I didn't eat the best that I could have, nor did I work out for one whole week.

I'm just glad that I didn't go back into the 240s.  I would have cried.  I lived there for so long that I NEVER WANT TO GO BACK!  Over a year of my life I lived in 240-land.  I'm getting used to seeing that little 3.

Anyway, eating and exercise are back.  on.  track.  I'm counting diligently and I'm currently letting my food digest before I head down to the gym.  I'm going to try and be better about working out before work rather than late at night.  We'll see how it goes and what it does with regards to my weight loss.

In terms of my running goals for this year, I'm not going to set lofty ambitions.  I know I said that I will run a half marathon this year, but I honestly don't know if I can.  There's a lot of details that would need to align and I will just wait and see if they do.  I'm going to continue to just run and not worry too much about seeing how far I can go.  I think that might have contributed to my back pain.  I pushed myself too hard too fast.  I need to remember to build up slowly!  So, I'm going to run 2-3 miles 3-4 times a week and we'll see how that goes.  If my weight loss stalls, I'll pick it up.  I want my body to be working hard, but not to the point where I injure myself.  I'll see the higher mileage again.  I know I will.  Just takes time.

I need to remember: Good things come to those who wait.  Not those who are stupid and impatient.

I may have added that last part of the saying...